Come As You Are.........

So I decided to take a little survey and I found that the average person only truly falls in love once in their lifetime. But how many times have we found ourselves "inlove" with whoever we are dating? How many times have the words "I love you" been uttered out of our mouths to our significant others? I myself, at a young tender age was almost certain I knew exactly what love was and how it worked. No one could tell me anything, I was inlove and my heart would beat for that person. But does a 15 year old really know what love is? Can he/she fathom the idea of what it takes to have a relationship? I guess if you asked a 15 yr old he/she would say yes with out a doubt. But an adult, such as myself, knows and understands love. We know the effort it takes and the patience. We know its not always going to be sunshine and rainbows. In fact the storm comes, and it hits hard, and only the strong survive. The old couple sitting in the park, side by side, who have raised their children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren, have seen it all. They have surpassed, the failing economy, the rumors, the affairs, the stress of children. And they sit there side by side, holding onto each other, strong. If only the rest of the world and their couples were like that huh? I think about all of the couples I've known in my life. My grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, siblings and to be honest the track record for a successful and long marriage is almost non-existing. So should I let that truth define me and my relationship?And I know a lot of people struggle with that question, because when all you see growing up is abuse, divorce, infidelity, or people just splitting up it puts a damper on the image of "love" and what it means and how to love. As a Christian woman, I feel that my God and Savior loved me so much that he was tortured and crucified to show his love for us and that type of love is almost non-existing. The bible says that you could do a million good deeds, but if you do any of these deeds without love in your heart, then there is no meaning and it dosent count. Gods number one rule is "Love others as I have Loved you". But how often do we really do that? I feel lucky, no a better word, would be blessed. I feel blessed to have found a man that truly loves me unconditionally. I have written about love before, and its been more on a passionate level. More on a lustful level. It wasnt until I met my husband, that I could truly experience what it was to be loved, and to kick and scream and punch and scratch away at a person almost expecting them to leave you, to give up on you, and when your tantrum is over, he/she is still there. That is love. I am crazy at times, I have a horrible short temper, my patience is little to none, I'm controlling and demanding at times, yet he loves me. And he tells me everyday no matter what ill thing I've said to him, he loves me. For the first time I am not forcing myself to change, so that I may be loved, I WANT to change because he loves me. Every one should experience that love, the type that says I dont care come as you are and I will love you, the love God gives us everyday, because everyday he's telling us the same thing.................... Come as you are...........

Daddy...Or Should i say Sperm Donor????.....Hmmm

Daddy....John A. Cartagena......or as known by the Correction system of New York State....John Paulino......Yes he has many names but of all the names, i sometimes ask myself if he indeed deserves the title of "Daddy". I mean what is a "Daddy","Dad","Father","Papa", ect. What does it mean? Is it a God given right to be called that simply because your sperm took part in the conception of my being? Is it an earned title?......Well the politically correct definition of "Father" is this:

"a man who exercises paternal care over other persons; paternal protector or provider;a 
person who has originated or established something."

 Okay so with that being said, i begin to question myself. Was my father someone who exercised paternal care over me? Was he a protector and provider? Did he establish anything? And to answer those questions, well no. He did not exercise paternal care over, i mean he couldnt he was incarcerated! As for Protector and provider, definitely no! Had my father been out of prison and actively been my father, i feel that i would not have gone through as many things as i did. And the only thing my father ever established or did right in this life was have his children. And with that being said, I guess that's one major accomplishment. Because having a child is a blessing from God..... My father and I have always had a very bumpy relationship. When I was a child my mother was very careful to protect my Dads image. She never spoke ill of him, and every Christmas she would even put gifts under the tree that said "From Daddy". My mom was great about that. and i grew up thinking my dad was a great person despite him being "away". As i got older and began realizing what the real story was, and my moms white lies were no longer cutting it, i started developing my own personal feelings about my father. And i began having a sort of rage inside towards him. I didnt understand why he was "away" for so long, and why did he keep promising to come home and never did?? The entire story unraveled in my late teens and when i turned 18 my moms job was done, she no longer had to pretend to do anything, she didnt have to stay on top of us about writing to him or answering his phone calls. She didn't have to take us to see him anymore. And when that happen i started seeing sides of my father that i didn't like, wasn't proud of and to me it would have been better if he were dead. He never did a thing for my mom or my sister and me. My mother did everything with help from my grandparents. But not him or that side of the family for that matter did anything for me. So why was he still Daddy?? Its been almost 2 yrs since I've had contact with him and he's still Daddy? Why? After much thought i realized something................... He was always my Daddy when i was younger, i always, and secretly still do, dream of a normal life as a daddy's girl with him. 22 yrs old and i still want to be tucked in at night, read to, sang to, cry on his shoulder when a boy breaks my heart, have him at my graduations, walk me down the aisle. Yes secretly i still want these things, but they seem to be a mere illusion at this point in my life.  One day my real father and i will have some sort of relationship, one day. And so as angry i may be at him and his family sometimes, I cant help but love them, love him. He has done nothing for me but give me life, yet he's still Daddy.............

Love Thyself...........

You know every one has a different feeling of whether or not its possible for a person to change. Some say no, some say yes, others say people dont change they just get better at hiding who they really are. And i guess everyone is allowed their own opinion. But as far as mine goes, i can tell you, that i was one of those people that believed that people dont change, they just get better at covering up who they really are over time. And i stuck to this "truth" for as long as i can remember until something just a little crazy happened.............I changed....................
I never imagined myself to be someone who would ever change their ways i was content with who I was n I didn't think I had to change myself for anyone or for anything for that matter but there comes a point in your life where things just aren't going right n you have to ask yourself is it the world or is it me??? and I had to ask myself that question one day.....recently actually...and when I had to ask myself that question  I was amazed at the answer and it was like holy shit!! it was me!! lol I was the problem not the world I was to blame for my problems not anyone else I had to take a really long look at my life and the choices I had made..... the mistakes.... and it made me get an entirely new perspective on life .....when you come so close to death as many times as I have you start to ask yourself you know what do you wanna be remembered for in life and am i happy with what I'm leaving behind right now ....do I wanna be remembered as the bitchy cold hearted person who no 1 wanted to be around or do i wanna make a positive impact on this world and leave people with a good taste in their mouth...... I want to have people actually miss me I don't want it to be a relief that I'm gone I want people to say wow she was a great person and I'm really gonna miss her because I think that's what we all want we all want people to love us and then miss us wen we're  gone......I think 1 of the biggest regrets that many people who are older now say that have is that they didn't get to live theie life out as much as they would have wanted to or they held onto grudges for too long or they spent too much time being angry and I  think I was that person at 1 point just angry all of the time......it comes to a point where ur so depressed because you're the miserable f*** that no 1 wants to be around no 1 wants to have to deal with your attitude.....no 1 wants to deal with ur rude and crude remarks that come out of your mouth because when you are as miserable as I was at 1 point in my life,it is so much easier to hurt other people's feelings then take a chance of getting your own feelings hurt because you been hurt so many times that you don't wanna do it anymore and you get a satisfaction out of seeing other people hurt it's better to see them hurt then you hurt because you think well shit finally someone else besides me gets the shitty end of the stick .......but who wants to live like that??? because in the end you hurt anyway..... I mean I couldn't do it anymore I was tired of feeling left out I was the odd man  out....I wanted to be that fun funny girl that I knew was somewhere inside of me... that was the person that people wanted to be around and I wanted to be that person full time I didnt want it to just be a part time thing and it came out you know whenever I was feeling okay I just didnt wanna live that way anymore I dont think anybody enjoys living like that.....Feeling like you have to walk on eggsshells around that certain person because they'll snap at any given time.....no it was def. not a way to live or have ne1 els ein my life living that way ......so what did i do??? I got my shit together basically....... I started thinking how do I want to be treated and I started treating people that way....you know my faith had a lot to do with it as well I strengthened my relationship with God and I began to improve myself because I realized that I could never truly make any other person happy unless I was happy with myself and that's what the problem was this whole time I was not happy with me myself... and so I said you know what... what doesnt make you happy?? okay... your attitude doesn't make you happy???... so fix it....... ur weight doesnt make you happy???..... so lose it...  this person doesn't make you happy????....... get them out of your life....... this is what I had to start doing because you know this is my life I have to take charge of it now.....noone is gonna fix my problems for me....whos gonna care about me if I dont care about me??? and so i had to start caring about me and I completely change my lifestyle I stop being so angry I stop being so nasty towards people I started changing my eating habits and not pigging out all the time.... I started exercising and not sleeping all day or staying on my couch all day watching tv....I decided to make an effort to change my life and when I said I'm gonna change I  didnt change because someone asked me to or because I was forced to..... it was because I wanted to change... no 1 else but ME and I think that that's what changes the person...is them realizing that they're not happy with themselves and they have to realize what it is that they have to do to change it...... but I know us as human beings we do not realize what it is that is so unhappy about us..half the time we dont even think its us...we think its everyone else so therefore we never make the effort to change ourselves which gives  people the perception that no people do not change or they just get better at hiding their real self overtime and that's because the people that do that, which I was 1 of those people, they want to appease society but they, themselves dont really care about changing....that's what the difference is between a person that changes and a person that does not change. when a person changes its because they want to and they start taking the steps in order to change......and also the changes that they're making are not for anyone else but for them....Hell if they want to become a prostitute because thats what  makes them happy lol  I mean then let them....you know bottom line is I changed..... you can change..... everybody has the ability to change if they want to of course and I just hope that this blog will maybe give you the courage to change and to better yourself and at the end of the day the only thing that matters is what makes  you happy not what makes your husband your wife your parents ur grand parents friends... no what will make YOU happy... if you want your hair pink then dye your hair pink if you wanna wear crazy clothing, if you want tattoos all over your body...Do it! Live your life! We are given 1 life and you have to Live it to the fullest and be happy with it because that's what makes a content person and a peaceful person and I think that is what the number 1 goal in this life is... its wat God teaches us in the bible to have ]in your life to reach the utmost peace and love everyone  and everyone includes you...love yourself because when you love yourself you change for yourself and no one else!..... God bless

The Day I Fell In Love with Pen and Paper...............

I think everyone has their own little unique thing they do to calm  them down, relieve stress, express their feelings, ect. For some its singing, dancing, poetry, exercise, fighting lol, others do it through getting tattoos, piercings, redecorating their house, cleaning, ect. I remember when i was about 7 yrs old and my cousin and i were crazy about anything Lisa Frank lol, we loved the stickers, coloring books, everything!.......So one day my grandmother takes us with her to the store and we see these Lisa Frank diaries and it had a little metal lock with a key and it was a whole bunch of colors and i just wanted it sooo bad! lol So my grandmother gives in and buys us the diary........my life would never be the same!..........I started writing the normal things 7 yr olds write...i have a crush on this boy......i hate my sister she did this to me.....my cousin and i just got into a fight and im mad at her......i miss my daddy....stuff like that........as i got older my grandmother noticed my knack for writing and she would continue to buy me diaries every time one finished.....My most memorable diary that i still have till this day was a beautiful thick green diary with a butterfly on the front and butterflies are my fav...........i kept that diary from 2003 until its last page in 2006.........i wrote about everything! My sadness, my happiness, my love life, my struggles, my insecurities, my diary was my escape, it was the best friend who would never let my words leave the page......after that diary finished i got a reg. black and white notebook and i began writing poetry and to my surprise i was really good at it! lol the words simply flowed out of my head onto paper and the end result would be some magnificent piece of history of sorrow, pain, happiness, or love.....after i wrote poetry i began writing songs and so now i was making my poerty not only look good but sound good as well!.....This was it i Found my passion, i found what it was i wanted to do in this life.......and i have not stopped writing ever since, now and days its typing! lol whether its writing a Blog for my readers or writing something on Facebook.....i write.....i realized that if i dont get my thoughts and feelings out on paper or computer they suffocate me begging me to realease them and express myself!......and that is what has gotten me through it all! My father not being around,My Molestation, My abuse as a child, My promiscuous, insecure teenage yrs, My depression, My cutting, My anger, My heartbreak, My love.........I think only the creative intellectual can understand this......The Rapper, Singer, Poet, Novelist, The writer! Period!.........Because the day i knew my words could change someones life was the Day i fell in love with Pen and Paper................

And Yet Another Book Closes.........

I have always classified my life as a summary of books being read and then closed and either being put on my shelf or simply giving them away for someone else to read and learn from.....and this is yet another romantic/tragedy novel....story of my life lol....i think i have more of those than any other genre! so i mentioned in a previous blog titled, "Putting back the Pieces of My Heart", a man who was actually doing that at one point, and he was everything i had said he was, However things changed as do people....and this is life right? I mean how many of us said "we're going to be 2gether forever" or "omg they are the one" and are u with that person now? No your not, because we never know what Life is going to throw at us or what direction God may want us to take. Everyday more and more im having these "AHA! moments"....it usually happens when im feeling down......or its just a low day(anti-depressants not working too good).......Today i had a low day.....i was just kinda sad all day and i didnt even know why! and the thing was i was laughing and shit with my sister but i was still sad! I hate that feeling!.....So anyway i have the "where is your life going""you need to make decisions" talk with my family and i just kinda got upset for whatever reason....came to my room and just started balling! i mean i was crying so hard i had to gasp for air! And in a moment of weakness i text Brandon(the ex i spoke of in "Putting back the Pieces of My Heart" and "Toxic") and i asked him to pls call me because i really needed someone to talk to, he was my best friend at one point and i told him everything! and i just wanted someone to talk to i could care less if he wanted me romantically or not i just needed an ear on the other side of the phone, and of someone who really knew me, the way he did........Of course he didnt answer and i laid there crying some more just to kinda get it all out and i decided to go on facebook and unblock him and send him a message(A terrible relapse of judgement on my par!!!) So i see several things he wrote about me and several videos he put up about me and i lost it!!! LOL no seriously i was fuming!!! i started writing a message to him and i was cursing something terrible! i mean i was calling him every name under the sun and it was F this and F that and then i caught myself, rather God pulled me by shirt shook me up and said " GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!"..... and i did .......i sat there and just kinda stared at the screen and everything i had said and i was like ewwl? really ? like why am i speaking like that A and B Him nor anyone for that matter, is worth u losing urself over like that! Its like when this stupid girl at work betray me in every way possible and i was ready to go to work vaselined up and rock her shit! LOL i restrained thankfully, as my mom said "Is she really worth it? Is she worth losing ur job, getting arrested and ruining ur future over?" and i stopped and i let the anger simmer down and it was like wow no this 18 yr old little girl is not worth it!! Again an "AHA! moment"........So once i thought about all of this i took a step back, took a deep breath, hit backspace, and started over..................and of course he replied arrogantly and assholish lol and it was like you see what jerks people can be? Even when someone is trying to be Honest with them!....So here i am reading the beginning of the book over and over again and he's been done with the book, threw it in the trash and is currently reading a new one.......and im still reading it because???? Yes its def time to LET IT GO and that last message was the stamp!.........frankly i am in nor want to be any condition for a new relationship! I think ive had plenty for this year.....Maybe next yr who knows! but for right now its time to close the book and give it away, i cant keep putting off reading the last page, and i cant stick it on the shelf either because then i think i can keep coming and picking it up again.....no its time to read that last page and get rid of the book! I cant be afraid to read those final words.......Because no matter how many times you revisit one of your favorite books the ending never changes...............So "Brandon book" thanks for the laughs, the cries, the happy times and the sad, thanks for cheering me up, making me mad....the good, the bad, and thanks for making me once smile.......You were a Good book while it lasted............Ok people this goes for all of you out there who need to close the book and get rid of it!............. Read the last page now and close it........................................................

Psychiatric Unit:Females

February 13th 2012 ::Journal Entry::

"So i'm finally here, a mental institution, ive actually lost it so bad that i ended up here, yes i came voluntarily, but your still treated the same as everyone else, i feel like im in prison. i mean damn i know needed help but this is like something else! like needing help and being locked up with these loonies are too different things! i feel like im in the twighlight zone............"

That was my 1st journal entry in the psychiatric unit. They gave me a journal and told me to write my thoughts down. I hadnt written in a journal for a few yrs now, but being able to go back to that really helped, its a big part of the reason that i got through it! Now i cant say it was all bad, there were people there that i honestly felt were in the same boat as me and ended up in that place, looking for help, and of course never getting it. they dont really help you in those places, they dont have anyone come in and talk to you, nothing, youd end up really going crazy in that place! My night was soooo scary i didnt even sleep, i just layed there looking at everyone, looking at the girls going up and down the hallways, screaming and crying, i was petrified! and nothing ever scares me im usually pretty brave, but this time i felt like a little girl abandoned in an orphanage and i just wanted my mom to come and get me. 

February 14th 2012::Journal Entry::

"So im almost done with my first full day in the looney bin. Man what an interesting day it has been! The food still sucks ass, im going to lose a lot of weight over the next couple of days. Being around these girls who have severe mental issues, or girls who have SERIOUSLY tried killing themselves has really opened up my eyes , i dont think i would have ever really appreciated my life or appreciated how okay i am, because i am not that far in, i still have my mind. and i still have things to live for. some of these women i truly feel sorry for.......i'm hoping to take something from all of this and hopefully have direction in life........."

 And i most certainly did have direction coming out of there. I felt like i had a reason to live and that no man was ever worth taking my life over or hurting myself! i mean he's still alive, he's living his life, i am the furthest thing away in his mind right now, so why the hell am i so hung up on him! as Oprah says  "an AHA! moment" has occured.........

February 15th 2012::Journal Entry::

"......i have to let him go, i'm hurt, i miss him, but at the same time i'm angry because he didnt forgive me, after i forgave him soooooo many times, like i thought he really loved me, i thought he wasnt going anywhere this time, but he left me AGAIN! thats not love at all........."

 I met some really amazing people in here, like one woman, Heather, she is such an amazing, sweet, beautiful person on the inside and the out. I often call her every week to see how shes doing, shes someone i feel will be my friend for a long time, and she has such a sad story, she hasnt seen her kids in 3 yrs and is simply majorly depressed, and they have her locked up in  there and they dont really offer any real help. She needs counseling and she needs to feel worth something and loved....people would be surprised at the difference unconditional love makes........

February 16th 2012::Journal Entry::

".........Lord there are some real nuts here! and then they have have some people that are detoxing, some that are dealing with depression. A lot of people are not even getting the real help that they need. i have been here for 4 days  and no one has come to speak to me about my problems, why i try to commit suicide, nothing! I hope the outpatient is a lot better than this! But the one thing ive gotten out of all of this is that life could be much worst! Man i felt crazy before but to actually see crazy full force! Oh does it open up your eyes to a lot of shit! i know that i want to help people even more now! Because i have seen for my own eyes that a lot of these women just need love, and maybe if they got more love, instead of being thrown into places like this, caged up like animals, and medicated through out the day, well maybe we'd see a change in them....."

I was released the next day and my darling sister came to get me. I was soooo happy to see her face, and i thought how many of these women dont have that warm welcoming smile to greet them on the other side of those double doors. My sister's will always be there for me and not many people have that. I cant say i will never deal with depression again, because depression is a lifelong battle, i am on anti-depressants for now and i hope to one day bury it for good. What i can say is i will never try and take my life again, because life is precious and there is a reason God has let us survive all of this, because the prize is not here on earth, but up there with Him.......

If you or anyone you know is suffering from severe depression, pls get help! You dont want to be the one standing over there grave saying "what could i have done differently"....

http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/AskIt/Pages/default.aspx?gclid=CKrMi9Clwa4CFS6Ctgodg21SEw

http://addiction.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Depression_Hotlines

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/telephone-hotlines-and-help-lines/