I've always known what I wanted in life. I think since I was a little girl I had my entire life mapped out. I knew what I wanted to be in a profession. I knew what type of house and car I wanted. I knew what type of husband I wanted. What type of children what type of dogs. But you see God is the one who plans our life out and only He knows whats ahead. So this whole time, 24 yrs I thought I had it covered, I thought I held my life in my hands and I had the say so. But the truth is I don't and I never had. God may have given us free-will. The will to chose his way or the worlds way. And the worlds way is a lonely road, and an unhappy one at that. I've taken both roads and I find that I like the ride better when Im heading towards God, and not away from him. All those things I thought I wanted, I dont even have, yet I'm not unhappy about that either. If you've read any of my other blogs then you know what my struggles have been in life. You know how dark its gotten for me. And yet I always thought I could fix it, Im the one that has to bring myself out of the gutter. When in fact if I had just given my life to God and let him do the fixing, I think I would have saved myself from A LOT of heartache and hardship. I recently got into a huge altercation with my Grandfather and I havent spoken to him since then. I was feeling so much anger and hurt towards him. Me the grandpa's girl. "The favorite girl". I said things to him, that I had been holding onto for so long. Things that my family has swept under the carpet since before I was born. I said them screaming and crying, but I said them. My grandmother stood right there the whole time and didnt say a word. Which is not shocking she is always silent. I think my grandfather silenced her a long time ago and she never got her voice back. I pray for her everyday that God take her fear away and give her courage. I havent spoken to her either. I suppose I had been harboring anger towards her as well, because of her silence. I expected her to be bold like me and stand up and put her foot down and FIGHT back. But what I was thinking? Shes in her 60's Im in my 20's, I gained a backbone long ago, hers was taken away before she could even discover she had one. So I think the anger that I felt and have been feeling towards her was def. misplaced. However, the anger and hurt I feel for my grandfather well that's placed exactly where it needs to be. My grandfather doesn't realize how much his actions have affected this family. Especially the women in this family. We subconsciously accept unacceptable behavior from the men in our life because we've seen my grandmother accept my grandfathers time and time again. We've seen the monster Grandpa turn into loving, fun to be around Grandpa and we think the men in our lives can do the same. They can "change". I stood in an abusive relationship for almost 2 years because I thought it was acceptable I thought he could "change". I suddenly realize what my grandmother is holding onto. Shes holding onto that charming man, the kind hearted, giving man she fell in love with. She sees past his front. She sees that 12 year old boy walking with broken shoes to work the sugar cane fields every morning and then trucking to school right after, dirty and hungry and being made fun of. That is what shes still holding onto and hell I think we are all still holding on to that. My grandfather is NOT an evil man. He has done evil things, but he's not evil. He needs love. And as prideful as I am, as hardheaded as I am, and stubborn like a mule, I have to give him love. I have to show him that his anger and hurtful things that come out of his mouth will not push me away and it will not deter me from the very thing God told me I was going to do when I was 13 years old. That is to save my grandfather. I cant run from my destiny any longer. I have to have forgiveness. And as fearful or as hard as its going to be I'm going to have to make things right with my grandparents. And if this isn't one of the biggest test from God in the forgiveness department, then I dont know what is...........Pray for me people....Lord knows I'm going to need it!
