Daddy....John A. Cartagena......or as known by the Correction system of New York State....John Paulino......Yes he has many names but of all the names, i sometimes ask myself if he indeed deserves the title of "Daddy". I mean what is a "Daddy","Dad","Father","Papa", ect. What does it mean? Is it a God given right to be called that simply because your sperm took part in the conception of my being? Is it an earned title?......Well the politically correct definition of "Father" is this:
"a man who exercises paternal care over other persons; paternal protector or provider;a
person who has originated or established something."
Okay so with that being said, i begin to question myself. Was my father someone who exercised paternal care over me? Was he a protector and provider? Did he establish anything? And to answer those questions, well no. He did not exercise paternal care over, i mean he couldnt he was incarcerated! As for Protector and provider, definitely no! Had my father been out of prison and actively been my father, i feel that i would not have gone through as many things as i did. And the only thing my father ever established or did right in this life was have his children. And with that being said, I guess that's one major accomplishment. Because having a child is a blessing from God..... My father and I have always had a very bumpy relationship. When I was a child my mother was very careful to protect my Dads image. She never spoke ill of him, and every Christmas she would even put gifts under the tree that said "From Daddy". My mom was great about that. and i grew up thinking my dad was a great person despite him being "away". As i got older and began realizing what the real story was, and my moms white lies were no longer cutting it, i started developing my own personal feelings about my father. And i began having a sort of rage inside towards him. I didnt understand why he was "away" for so long, and why did he keep promising to come home and never did?? The entire story unraveled in my late teens and when i turned 18 my moms job was done, she no longer had to pretend to do anything, she didnt have to stay on top of us about writing to him or answering his phone calls. She didn't have to take us to see him anymore. And when that happen i started seeing sides of my father that i didn't like, wasn't proud of and to me it would have been better if he were dead. He never did a thing for my mom or my sister and me. My mother did everything with help from my grandparents. But not him or that side of the family for that matter did anything for me. So why was he still Daddy?? Its been almost 2 yrs since I've had contact with him and he's still Daddy? Why? After much thought i realized something................... He was always my Daddy when i was younger, i always, and secretly still do, dream of a normal life as a daddy's girl with him. 22 yrs old and i still want to be tucked in at night, read to, sang to, cry on his shoulder when a boy breaks my heart, have him at my graduations, walk me down the aisle. Yes secretly i still want these things, but they seem to be a mere illusion at this point in my life. One day my real father and i will have some sort of relationship, one day. And so as angry i may be at him and his family sometimes, I cant help but love them, love him. He has done nothing for me but give me life, yet he's still Daddy.............
"a man who exercises paternal care over other persons; paternal protector or provider;a
person who has originated or established something."
Okay so with that being said, i begin to question myself. Was my father someone who exercised paternal care over me? Was he a protector and provider? Did he establish anything? And to answer those questions, well no. He did not exercise paternal care over, i mean he couldnt he was incarcerated! As for Protector and provider, definitely no! Had my father been out of prison and actively been my father, i feel that i would not have gone through as many things as i did. And the only thing my father ever established or did right in this life was have his children. And with that being said, I guess that's one major accomplishment. Because having a child is a blessing from God..... My father and I have always had a very bumpy relationship. When I was a child my mother was very careful to protect my Dads image. She never spoke ill of him, and every Christmas she would even put gifts under the tree that said "From Daddy". My mom was great about that. and i grew up thinking my dad was a great person despite him being "away". As i got older and began realizing what the real story was, and my moms white lies were no longer cutting it, i started developing my own personal feelings about my father. And i began having a sort of rage inside towards him. I didnt understand why he was "away" for so long, and why did he keep promising to come home and never did?? The entire story unraveled in my late teens and when i turned 18 my moms job was done, she no longer had to pretend to do anything, she didnt have to stay on top of us about writing to him or answering his phone calls. She didn't have to take us to see him anymore. And when that happen i started seeing sides of my father that i didn't like, wasn't proud of and to me it would have been better if he were dead. He never did a thing for my mom or my sister and me. My mother did everything with help from my grandparents. But not him or that side of the family for that matter did anything for me. So why was he still Daddy?? Its been almost 2 yrs since I've had contact with him and he's still Daddy? Why? After much thought i realized something................... He was always my Daddy when i was younger, i always, and secretly still do, dream of a normal life as a daddy's girl with him. 22 yrs old and i still want to be tucked in at night, read to, sang to, cry on his shoulder when a boy breaks my heart, have him at my graduations, walk me down the aisle. Yes secretly i still want these things, but they seem to be a mere illusion at this point in my life. One day my real father and i will have some sort of relationship, one day. And so as angry i may be at him and his family sometimes, I cant help but love them, love him. He has done nothing for me but give me life, yet he's still Daddy.............
