The First Cut is The Deepest..............

Its November 15, 2011, 4:10 pm and my mom calls my sister and i from New York and tells us to go talk to  our step father, he has a certain look on that worries us. He tells us that tomorrow at 1pm they are going to pull the machine on my grandmother, who has been hospitalized for the past 2 weeks. A routine check up turned into a stay in the hospital. My heart sinks, and its just unbearable to imagine...i go about my day as if nothing happen and i barely make it through work.....the next day its November 16th 2011, and I cant even think of anything but 1pm 1 pm 1pm......its terrible to know the time a loved one is going to die and theres nothing u can do about it, id rather get a phone call and have someone tell me thats it they've died. I had physical therapy that day and they knew what was going to happen, so they let me leave a little early and i went to Wendys, with ex bf at the time for some lunch at 12:46pm, my step father comes to pick us up at Wendy's its 1:17pm, i hadnt been looking at the time, i just didnt want to know, and then i get into the car and hear it.............she died. I couldnt believe it, i was shocked for a moment and then tears and tears just ran down my face, my first lost in my 21 years of life, i hadnt lost anyone close to me and now i did. My Abuela, the head of the family, my Great Grandmother...gone.....My little brother is still at school at this point and im dreading the time for him to come home....he'll be home at 3:30pm, hes going home to heart break.......its all so surreal....Im trying to look at the positives, shes with her baby son now, shes no longer suffering.....those are all plusses but  the minus is shes no longer with us.......at Physical therapy i sat for a while with my eyes closed, i felt her come say good-bye to me, she looked good, i wish i couldve been there, i hated that i was all the way in florida and couldnt say good-bye. And the way things were looking, i wasnt going to be able to make it to her funeral, knowing that cut deep down inside of me, will i ever forgive myself? will i be ok?.............it made me so angry....so angry.......i eventually had to get over the fact that i had to say good-bye to her in my own time, i had to chuck it up and deal wit my emotions by myself.......Its that time now, where my brother walks in, hes happy, going about his normal day, and i have to go and break his heart.........so i go and tell him and b4 i could speak he knew, we both cried and cried, he fell to the ground....it was sooooo painful.......my sister found out through an idiot cousin on Facebook, because like a dumass she posted rip Grandma, not checking to make sure everyone knew......so that made me even more mad.......i cried and cried cried until my eyes were dried up and swollen, i took a week off of work and the day before thanksgiving i had to return to work........my siblings and i try to pull 2gether what ever kind of thanksgiving that we could, my sister and i cooked and it was a bittersweet moment..........now Christmas is arriving my grandparents have arrived and it was a sad moment, the tree is up the lights are lit all over the house......but theres something missing......its again a bittersweet moment......i went my whole life with no loss in my life, i never had to experience the enemy of death, and on November 16, 2011 i had to......its a feeling i wish upon no one and a feeling you never lose, its always with you......even when u think uve forgotten about it or moved on, the subtle things in life remind you of that person and the sink in your heart you felt the day they left this earth occurs once again...........R.I.P Abuela I love you and you will forever be in my heart..................

Toxic.......

Everyone has that moment in their life where they step back and reevaluate their life...I had that moment tonight.....and as to what happen 2nite well I'll get to that later....but for now I'll tell u about what led to that moment.....You know scientist have described Love as some sort of euphoria...its said our bodies react the same way to eating chocolates....you ever see a chocolate that looks irresistible and u just have to have it.....or you crave a certain chocolate all day long and when u finally have it its like heaven....I felt like that when I met "him"....he was the chocolate I had been wanting my whole life....his mere existence was shocking to me...I thought are their really men out there like him? Is he really interested in me? He didn't have a lot going for him....he had no education no job he had horrible habbits and he wasn't the cream of the crop....yet there was something about him that pulled me in... something unlike I'd ever experienced...he was kind and sweet he accepted me for EVERYTHING that I was and am...he didn't have a problem with anything and to him I was the most beautiful person in the whole wide world...I was #1 no one and nothing came b4 me and that was a good feeling hell it was a great feeling...every girl wants that....I thought to myself this is the man I'm going to marry this is who is going to treat me like a princess for the rest of my life....................
boy was I wrong........as the months went on and we spent more and more time together I started to see perhaps who he always was...he just hid it and told me what I wanted to hear.....his temper was out of control...he was way too "hood" for me.....he started speaking to me disrespectfully and I was no angel of course....with my crazy temper combined with his it was WWIII where ever we went and it was a constant battle everyday...we broke up every day and made up everyday...we fought hard with words....the things that came out of our mouths were disgusting and unforgiving....but somehow we always made it back to eachother...it was like poison that fueled our bodies and we couldn't live without it......I think we were just comfortable with eachother and didn't want to start over I mean think about who would want a loud bitchy girlfriend who demands the pants in the relationship and is a princess and who would want a broke uneducated dude with a temper that would have the cops at ur door every night???? Um no one!......and deep deep deep deep down inside we knew that and so we stayed....but this particular night something else happened something was lost....whatever it was holding us together was no longer there....I didn't secretly want him  to stay and he didn't want to stay up all night fighting for our love....he wanted out and so did I...the problem was he had nowhere to go and as much as I didn't care for him anymore I didn't want him sleeping outside....so we're stuck under the same roof for a whole other day and we can't stand eachother......The worst things we've ever said to eachother have been said secrete feelings we've always had aired out....and if there's one thing in life I've learned is that once the words leave ur mouth there's no taking them back u will never get back what u said and that u have to live with the for rest of ur life........someone once said "nor the gun, knife, or acid can compare in damage like that of man's speech".....and its totally true......we drank too much and we were 2 people that just should not have been drinking because the tongue lashing was even worse with liquor thrown in the mix.....we were unhealthy for eachother.....we had reached the end of our ropes....nothing was going to get better it was only getting worse...maybe we were too much alike maybe the both of us were just too jaded to begin with...whatever it was it was clear that "Him" and I together were nothing but Toxic and this time it was really.... really... over.........They say anthing u ever want or love is usually never good for u.....like too much chocolate..............