February 13th 2012 ::Journal Entry::
"So i'm finally here, a mental institution, ive actually lost it so bad that i ended up here, yes i came voluntarily, but your still treated the same as everyone else, i feel like im in prison. i mean damn i know needed help but this is like something else! like needing help and being locked up with these loonies are too different things! i feel like im in the twighlight zone............"
That was my 1st journal entry in the psychiatric unit. They gave me a journal and told me to write my thoughts down. I hadnt written in a journal for a few yrs now, but being able to go back to that really helped, its a big part of the reason that i got through it! Now i cant say it was all bad, there were people there that i honestly felt were in the same boat as me and ended up in that place, looking for help, and of course never getting it. they dont really help you in those places, they dont have anyone come in and talk to you, nothing, youd end up really going crazy in that place! My night was soooo scary i didnt even sleep, i just layed there looking at everyone, looking at the girls going up and down the hallways, screaming and crying, i was petrified! and nothing ever scares me im usually pretty brave, but this time i felt like a little girl abandoned in an orphanage and i just wanted my mom to come and get me. February 14th 2012::Journal Entry::
"So im almost done with my first full day in the looney bin. Man what an interesting day it has been! The food still sucks ass, im going to lose a lot of weight over the next couple of days. Being around these girls who have severe mental issues, or girls who have SERIOUSLY tried killing themselves has really opened up my eyes , i dont think i would have ever really appreciated my life or appreciated how okay i am, because i am not that far in, i still have my mind. and i still have things to live for. some of these women i truly feel sorry for.......i'm hoping to take something from all of this and hopefully have direction in life........."And i most certainly did have direction coming out of there. I felt like i had a reason to live and that no man was ever worth taking my life over or hurting myself! i mean he's still alive, he's living his life, i am the furthest thing away in his mind right now, so why the hell am i so hung up on him! as Oprah says "an AHA! moment" has occured.........
February 15th 2012::Journal Entry::
"......i have to let him go, i'm hurt, i miss him, but at the same time i'm angry because he didnt forgive me, after i forgave him soooooo many times, like i thought he really loved me, i thought he wasnt going anywhere this time, but he left me AGAIN! thats not love at all........."I met some really amazing people in here, like one woman, Heather, she is such an amazing, sweet, beautiful person on the inside and the out. I often call her every week to see how shes doing, shes someone i feel will be my friend for a long time, and she has such a sad story, she hasnt seen her kids in 3 yrs and is simply majorly depressed, and they have her locked up in there and they dont really offer any real help. She needs counseling and she needs to feel worth something and loved....people would be surprised at the difference unconditional love makes........
February 16th 2012::Journal Entry::
".........Lord there are some real nuts here! and then they have have some people that are detoxing, some that are dealing with depression. A lot of people are not even getting the real help that they need. i have been here for 4 days and no one has come to speak to me about my problems, why i try to commit suicide, nothing! I hope the outpatient is a lot better than this! But the one thing ive gotten out of all of this is that life could be much worst! Man i felt crazy before but to actually see crazy full force! Oh does it open up your eyes to a lot of shit! i know that i want to help people even more now! Because i have seen for my own eyes that a lot of these women just need love, and maybe if they got more love, instead of being thrown into places like this, caged up like animals, and medicated through out the day, well maybe we'd see a change in them....."I was released the next day and my darling sister came to get me. I was soooo happy to see her face, and i thought how many of these women dont have that warm welcoming smile to greet them on the other side of those double doors. My sister's will always be there for me and not many people have that. I cant say i will never deal with depression again, because depression is a lifelong battle, i am on anti-depressants for now and i hope to one day bury it for good. What i can say is i will never try and take my life again, because life is precious and there is a reason God has let us survive all of this, because the prize is not here on earth, but up there with Him.......
If you or anyone you know is suffering from severe depression, pls get help! You dont want to be the one standing over there grave saying "what could i have done differently"....
http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/AskIt/Pages/default.aspx?gclid=CKrMi9Clwa4CFS6Ctgodg21SEw
http://addiction.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Depression_Hotlines
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/telephone-hotlines-and-help-lines/
