I'm An Insecure Mess........

I have always been a pretty open person, or so I thought I was....I thought hey I’m an open book I’ve got my own Blog that I talk about personal things in and people can ask me anything....But the truth was and still is, that I actually hold onto a lot. I boast confidence to the world but in all actuality I am really insecure. My face was my pride and joy until my accident in 2010 and now I feel like my chin looks swollen all the time and when I laugh or smile the right side of my bottom lips droops. Most people tell me I’m crazy and they don’t see anything but I feel like I can see it every time I look in the mirror or I take a picture. And taking pictures was something I use to looovveee to do, now I hate it I don’t want to take pictures for so many reasons, my face won’t look right and I will probably look huge.

You see this is the biggest I have ever been my whole life and it just doesn’t feel good, my clothes don’t fit right, my face looks big, I have trouble doing certain things, I worry about traveling on planes and whether the seat belt would close or not.

My husband is great and says I look sexy still and he loves me no matter what. But that doesn’t help me either. Although his intentions are good, it still doesn’t change the fact that according to doctors I am considered "Obese" Ugh I hate that word! it makes me quiver every time I hear it, I mean yes I'm big but to call me Obese like I’m 300 lbs. or something is just so disturbing. I have tried so many diets and work out regimens, and for a while they were working I’ve lost 50lbs at a time before… I think I would just get to comfortable and feel good about how I looked than I fall off instead of continuing. At this point its mind over matter and I have to get my mind right because I know my body can do it I just have to tell my brain that.

 I was also diagnosed in 2011 with an under active thyroid and that doesn’t help the situation either. The doctor said its 2x's harder for me to lose weight and I gain it back faster than people with normal Thyroids. So I have some things against me and I moved to FL and have no medical insurance so I can’t even get it under control. However, that doesn't mean I can’t try and fight my body right?

 Food has become an addiction on a certain level. And it’s taking me some years to be able to write this and say that I am an addict. I’m an emotional eater and that sweet cupcake is delicious and just made the bad day I had go away. that’s my mentality and I NEED to change it, because if I don’t then I’m just killing myself slowly....My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for over a year and half, and with no medical insurance and me being overweight, the odds are against us scientifically. So losing weight should be a major priority for but yet I find myself trying to dodge it at all cost.

My mother recently had weight loss surgery and she’s lost A LOT of weight and that’s been hard to watch, because I feel like a good portion of our lives it has been the 3 of us(my mom, sister, and myself) being overweight together and supporting each other and basically enabling each other and now it’s completely different. Not only do we all have our own separate lives, my mother looks great and it kind of leaves me feeling lost.

I’m going to give this weight loss thing another shot, and I’m going to conquer it! My God is bigger than any problem I have. I know that if I just have faith in Him, my goal will be reached. I guess I'm basically writing this Blog because I'm just so tired of people (mainly skinny people) thinking that losing weight is easy and that it’s just a physical thing, because it’s not. Weight Loss has soooo much more to do with your mentality than you think, and I just wish that people would be more encouraging with their words. Telling an overweight person "Oh wow you use to be so much thinner" or "when you lose weight..." is by no means encouraging it’s actually a little depressing, how about " Hey do you want to walk today?" or "I know you can do this you are a strong person and on the days when you don’t feel that way, I will be here for you". Those are some of the things I know I would like to hear and wish people would understand that. I know that if you have been thin your whole life that you don’t realize the words that are coming out of your mouth, but I hope that by reading this you become a bit more sensitive to the issue. Because so many problems stem from words sometimes cutting, drinking, doing drugs, isolation, and even the worst of them all suicide. And if you have read my previous blogs you know that I have battled all of that in my short lifetime.

  I've been working on a Blog for over a year now about my roller coaster weight loss and it’s nowhere near finish, but I look forward to the day that I post it. And maybe then I will finally be that secure, confidant, young woman I once was 80lbs ago…….

Everything is going to be Alrite...............

If you follow my blogs then you know my struggles. You know what I've gone through and how much pain I've had to endure. But someway somehow I pull myself together and bring myself to write another blog another day for all of my readers. Someway Somehow I pick myself up. So its been a long time since I wrote my last blog. I guess just haven't been inspired to write one lately. Although i love writing something just snatched it away for me. But its back! I want to keep writing I want to keep showing people 3 important things! 1.Love Love Love 2.No matter what happens in Life YOU can get through it! and 3. The most important is God is EVERYTHING! I have had moments in my life where I literally cursed God and told him he wasn't real and that he wasn't there for me and if he was real then all the things that happen to me would have never happened. But you see God has a funny way of always showing us hes very REAL and very much active in our lives! I cant tell you how many times I should be dead or jail LOL but I'm not! God always spares me from the big stuff. and little by little I'm starting to learn that if I didn't go through all of that stuff, how could I ever sit here today and be able to help someone who is in my exact situation?? I'm not perfect though.....I still have my days where my attitude gets the best of me, I get easily annoyed....I curse like a sailor.....I don't show Love and sometimes I even question God! But I always have to bring myself back and I ask God to forgive me just hep me be more like Jesus everyday. I am human and everyday is  a struggle between my flesh and spirit. The devil tries to use my loved ones against me. Marriage is usually the first thing the devil will attack. It just sucks so bad that only after the huge fight or after the hurtful words are spewed out of our mouth is when we realize OMG this isnt us! But its too late because the damage is done.  We have to educate ourselves more to be able to recognize when the devil is attacking us and our marriage. And thats the same concept for every relationship not just spouses. 
Sometimes I get so angry that the devil slithers his way into my life time and time again, its like DAMN! BACK OFF!! ...but then I think of one of my favorite books of The Bible and thats the book of Job. For those not familiar with the book of Job heres a summary of it:

"The book Of Job opens with a conversation between God and Satan as Satan insists that Job only follows God because he protects him and so Satan ask for God's permission to test Job. Job was a true example of success financially and blessed with a large family which he believed was through his faith in God. The author clearly shows that throughout the test that Satan put Job through with the loss of his family and cattle as well as his wife wanting him to give up and curse God, and his friends wanting him to question God. Job through it all rebuked his wife and friends as well as cursed the very day he was born, but he never gave up on God. When Satan seen that he was unable to change the faith of Job, he left him and God gave back to him double of all that he had lost."

So as you can see, sometimes we can go through the life of Job and if we stick it out and have nothing but true faith in God and his abilities, then I promise and God's promise is that you shall inherit the earth! What a marvelous feeling to be able to be given that type of nobility! But that's God's love for you! We are kings and queens and we are his children! Oh if you don't know his love please get to know it the emptiness you feel will be filled.......I know mine was:) And little by little God works on me. Everyday I take a step further no matter how many time I feel pushed back or down. God's love and message to us is simply....Everything is going to be Alrite...............