I have always been a
pretty open person, or so I thought I was....I thought hey I’m an open book I’ve
got my own Blog that I talk about personal things in and people can ask me
anything....But the truth was and still is, that I actually hold onto a lot. I
boast confidence to the world but in all actuality I am really insecure. My
face was my pride and joy until my accident in 2010 and now I feel like my chin
looks swollen all the time and when I laugh or smile the right side of my
bottom lips droops. Most people tell me I’m crazy and they don’t see anything
but I feel like I can see it every time I look in the mirror or I take a
picture. And taking pictures was something I use to looovveee to do, now I hate
it I don’t want to take pictures for so many reasons, my face won’t look right
and I will probably look huge.
You see this is the
biggest I have ever been my whole life and it just doesn’t feel good, my clothes
don’t fit right, my face looks big, I have trouble doing certain things, I
worry about traveling on planes and whether the seat belt would close or not.
My husband is great
and says I look sexy still and he loves me no matter what. But that doesn’t
help me either. Although his intentions are good, it still doesn’t change the
fact that according to doctors I am considered "Obese" Ugh I hate
that word! it makes me quiver every time I hear it, I mean yes I'm big but to
call me Obese like I’m 300 lbs. or something is just so disturbing. I have
tried so many diets and work out regimens, and for a while they were working I’ve
lost 50lbs at a time before… I think I would just get to comfortable and feel
good about how I looked than I fall off instead of continuing. At this point
its mind over matter and I have to get my mind right because I know my body can
do it I just have to tell my brain that.
I was also diagnosed in 2011 with an under active thyroid and that doesn’t help the situation either. The doctor said
its 2x's harder for me to lose weight and I gain it back faster than people
with normal Thyroids. So I have some things against me and I moved to FL and
have no medical insurance so I can’t even get it under control. However, that doesn't mean I can’t try and fight my body right?
Food has become an addiction on a certain
level. And it’s taking me some years to be able to write this and say that I am
an addict. I’m an emotional eater and that sweet cupcake is delicious and just
made the bad day I had go away. that’s my mentality and I NEED to change it,
because if I don’t then I’m just killing myself slowly....My husband and I have
been trying to have a baby for over a year and half, and with no medical
insurance and me being overweight, the odds are against us scientifically. So
losing weight should be a major priority for but yet I find myself trying to
dodge it at all cost.
My mother recently
had weight loss surgery and she’s lost A LOT of weight and that’s been hard to
watch, because I feel like a good portion of our lives it has been the 3 of us(my
mom, sister, and myself) being overweight together and supporting each other
and basically enabling each other and now it’s completely different. Not only
do we all have our own separate lives, my mother looks great and it kind of
leaves me feeling lost.
I’m going to give
this weight loss thing another shot, and I’m going to conquer it! My God is
bigger than any problem I have. I know that if I just have faith in Him, my
goal will be reached. I guess I'm basically writing this Blog because I'm just
so tired of people (mainly skinny people) thinking that losing weight is easy
and that it’s just a physical thing, because it’s not. Weight Loss has soooo
much more to do with your mentality than you think, and I just wish that people
would be more encouraging with their words. Telling an overweight person
"Oh wow you use to be so much thinner" or "when you lose
weight..." is by no means encouraging it’s actually a little depressing,
how about " Hey do you want to walk today?" or "I know you can
do this you are a strong person and on the days when you don’t feel that way, I
will be here for you". Those are some of the things I know I would like to
hear and wish people would understand that. I know that if you have been thin
your whole life that you don’t realize the words that are coming out of your
mouth, but I hope that by reading this you become a bit more sensitive to the
issue. Because so many problems stem from words sometimes cutting, drinking, doing drugs, isolation, and even the worst of them all suicide. And if you have read my previous blogs you know that I have battled all of that in my short lifetime.
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