You know every one has a different feeling of whether or not its possible for a person to change. Some say no, some say yes, others say people dont change they just get better at hiding who they really are. And i guess everyone is allowed their own opinion. But as far as mine goes, i can tell you, that i was one of those people that believed that people dont change, they just get better at covering up who they really are over time. And i stuck to this "truth" for as long as i can remember until something just a little crazy happened.............I changed....................
I never imagined myself to be someone who would ever change their ways i was content with who I was n I didn't think I had to change myself for anyone or for anything for that matter but there comes a point in your life where things just aren't going right n you have to ask yourself is it the world or is it me??? and I had to ask myself that question one day.....recently actually...and when I had to ask myself that question I was amazed at the answer and it was like holy shit!! it was me!! lol I was the problem not the world I was to blame for my problems not anyone else I had to take a really long look at my life and the choices I had made..... the mistakes.... and it made me get an entirely new perspective on life .....when you come so close to death as many times as I have you start to ask yourself you know what do you wanna be remembered for in life and am i happy with what I'm leaving behind right now ....do I wanna be remembered as the bitchy cold hearted person who no 1 wanted to be around or do i wanna make a positive impact on this world and leave people with a good taste in their mouth...... I want to have people actually miss me I don't want it to be a relief that I'm gone I want people to say wow she was a great person and I'm really gonna miss her because I think that's what we all want we all want people to love us and then miss us wen we're gone......I think 1 of the biggest regrets that many people who are older now say that have is that they didn't get to live theie life out as much as they would have wanted to or they held onto grudges for too long or they spent too much time being angry and I think I was that person at 1 point just angry all of the time......it comes to a point where ur so depressed because you're the miserable f*** that no 1 wants to be around no 1 wants to have to deal with your attitude.....no 1 wants to deal with ur rude and crude remarks that come out of your mouth because when you are as miserable as I was at 1 point in my life,it is so much easier to hurt other people's feelings then take a chance of getting your own feelings hurt because you been hurt so many times that you don't wanna do it anymore and you get a satisfaction out of seeing other people hurt it's better to see them hurt then you hurt because you think well shit finally someone else besides me gets the shitty end of the stick .......but who wants to live like that??? because in the end you hurt anyway..... I mean I couldn't do it anymore I was tired of feeling left out I was the odd man out....I wanted to be that fun funny girl that I knew was somewhere inside of me... that was the person that people wanted to be around and I wanted to be that person full time I didnt want it to just be a part time thing and it came out you know whenever I was feeling okay I just didnt wanna live that way anymore I dont think anybody enjoys living like that.....Feeling like you have to walk on eggsshells around that certain person because they'll snap at any given time.....no it was def. not a way to live or have ne1 els ein my life living that way ......so what did i do??? I got my shit together basically....... I started thinking how do I want to be treated and I started treating people that way....you know my faith had a lot to do with it as well I strengthened my relationship with God and I began to improve myself because I realized that I could never truly make any other person happy unless I was happy with myself and that's what the problem was this whole time I was not happy with me myself... and so I said you know what... what doesnt make you happy?? okay... your attitude doesn't make you happy???... so fix it....... ur weight doesnt make you happy???..... so lose it... this person doesn't make you happy????....... get them out of your life....... this is what I had to start doing because you know this is my life I have to take charge of it now.....noone is gonna fix my problems for me....whos gonna care about me if I dont care about me??? and so i had to start caring about me and I completely change my lifestyle I stop being so angry I stop being so nasty towards people I started changing my eating habits and not pigging out all the time.... I started exercising and not sleeping all day or staying on my couch all day watching tv....I decided to make an effort to change my life and when I said I'm gonna change I didnt change because someone asked me to or because I was forced to..... it was because I wanted to change... no 1 else but ME and I think that that's what changes the person...is them realizing that they're not happy with themselves and they have to realize what it is that they have to do to change it...... but I know us as human beings we do not realize what it is that is so unhappy about us..half the time we dont even think its us...we think its everyone else so therefore we never make the effort to change ourselves which gives people the perception that no people do not change or they just get better at hiding their real self overtime and that's because the people that do that, which I was 1 of those people, they want to appease society but they, themselves dont really care about changing....that's what the difference is between a person that changes and a person that does not change. when a person changes its because they want to and they start taking the steps in order to change......and also the changes that they're making are not for anyone else but for them....Hell if they want to become a prostitute because thats what makes them happy lol I mean then let them....you know bottom line is I changed..... you can change..... everybody has the ability to change if they want to of course and I just hope that this blog will maybe give you the courage to change and to better yourself and at the end of the day the only thing that matters is what makes you happy not what makes your husband your wife your parents ur grand parents friends... no what will make YOU happy... if you want your hair pink then dye your hair pink if you wanna wear crazy clothing, if you want tattoos all over your body...Do it! Live your life! We are given 1 life and you have to Live it to the fullest and be happy with it because that's what makes a content person and a peaceful person and I think that is what the number 1 goal in this life is... its wat God teaches us in the bible to have ]in your life to reach the utmost peace and love everyone and everyone includes you...love yourself because when you love yourself you change for yourself and no one else!..... God bless
I think everyone has their own little unique thing they do to calm them down, relieve stress, express their feelings, ect. For some its singing, dancing, poetry, exercise, fighting lol, others do it through getting tattoos, piercings, redecorating their house, cleaning, ect. I remember when i was about 7 yrs old and my cousin and i were crazy about anything Lisa Frank lol, we loved the stickers, coloring books, everything!.......So one day my grandmother takes us with her to the store and we see these Lisa Frank diaries and it had a little metal lock with a key and it was a whole bunch of colors and i just wanted it sooo bad! lol So my grandmother gives in and buys us the diary........my life would never be the same!..........I started writing the normal things 7 yr olds write...i have a crush on this boy......i hate my sister she did this to me.....my cousin and i just got into a fight and im mad at her......i miss my daddy....stuff like that........as i got older my grandmother noticed my knack for writing and she would continue to buy me diaries every time one finished.....My most memorable diary that i still have till this day was a beautiful thick green diary with a butterfly on the front and butterflies are my fav...........i kept that diary from 2003 until its last page in 2006.........i wrote about everything! My sadness, my happiness, my love life, my struggles, my insecurities, my diary was my escape, it was the best friend who would never let my words leave the page......after that diary finished i got a reg. black and white notebook and i began writing poetry and to my surprise i was really good at it! lol the words simply flowed out of my head onto paper and the end result would be some magnificent piece of history of sorrow, pain, happiness, or love.....after i wrote poetry i began writing songs and so now i was making my poerty not only look good but sound good as well!.....This was it i Found my passion, i found what it was i wanted to do in this life.......and i have not stopped writing ever since, now and days its typing! lol whether its writing a Blog for my readers or writing something on Facebook.....i write.....i realized that if i dont get my thoughts and feelings out on paper or computer they suffocate me begging me to realease them and express myself!......and that is what has gotten me through it all! My father not being around,My Molestation, My abuse as a child, My promiscuous, insecure teenage yrs, My depression, My cutting, My anger, My heartbreak, My love.........I think only the creative intellectual can understand this......The Rapper, Singer, Poet, Novelist, The writer! Period!.........Because the day i knew my words could change someones life was the Day i fell in love with Pen and Paper................
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I have always classified my life as a summary of books being read and then closed and either being put on my shelf or simply giving them away for someone else to read and learn from.....and this is yet another romantic/tragedy novel....story of my life lol....i think i have more of those than any other genre! so i mentioned in a previous blog titled, "Putting back the Pieces of My Heart", a man who was actually doing that at one point, and he was everything i had said he was, However things changed as do people....and this is life right? I mean how many of us said "we're going to be 2gether forever" or "omg they are the one" and are u with that person now? No your not, because we never know what Life is going to throw at us or what direction God may want us to take. Everyday more and more im having these "AHA! moments"....it usually happens when im feeling down......or its just a low day(anti-depressants not working too good).......Today i had a low day.....i was just kinda sad all day and i didnt even know why! and the thing was i was laughing and shit with my sister but i was still sad! I hate that feeling!.....So anyway i have the "where is your life going""you need to make decisions" talk with my family and i just kinda got upset for whatever reason....came to my room and just started balling! i mean i was crying so hard i had to gasp for air! And in a moment of weakness i text Brandon(the ex i spoke of in "Putting back the Pieces of My Heart" and "Toxic") and i asked him to pls call me because i really needed someone to talk to, he was my best friend at one point and i told him everything! and i just wanted someone to talk to i could care less if he wanted me romantically or not i just needed an ear on the other side of the phone, and of someone who really knew me, the way he did........Of course he didnt answer and i laid there crying some more just to kinda get it all out and i decided to go on facebook and unblock him and send him a message(A terrible relapse of judgement on my par!!!) So i see several things he wrote about me and several videos he put up about me and i lost it!!! LOL no seriously i was fuming!!! i started writing a message to him and i was cursing something terrible! i mean i was calling him every name under the sun and it was F this and F that and then i caught myself, rather God pulled me by shirt shook me up and said " GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!"..... and i did .......i sat there and just kinda stared at the screen and everything i had said and i was like ewwl? really ? like why am i speaking like that A and B Him nor anyone for that matter, is worth u losing urself over like that! Its like when this stupid girl at work betray me in every way possible and i was ready to go to work vaselined up and rock her shit! LOL i restrained thankfully, as my mom said "Is she really worth it? Is she worth losing ur job, getting arrested and ruining ur future over?" and i stopped and i let the anger simmer down and it was like wow no this 18 yr old little girl is not worth it!! Again an "AHA! moment"........So once i thought about all of this i took a step back, took a deep breath, hit backspace, and started over..................and of course he replied arrogantly and assholish lol and it was like you see what jerks people can be? Even when someone is trying to be Honest with them!....So here i am reading the beginning of the book over and over again and he's been done with the book, threw it in the trash and is currently reading a new one.......and im still reading it because???? Yes its def time to LET IT GO and that last message was the stamp!.........frankly i am in nor want to be any condition for a new relationship! I think ive had plenty for this year.....Maybe next yr who knows! but for right now its time to close the book and give it away, i cant keep putting off reading the last page, and i cant stick it on the shelf either because then i think i can keep coming and picking it up again.....no its time to read that last page and get rid of the book! I cant be afraid to read those final words.......Because no matter how many times you revisit one of your favorite books the ending never changes...............So "Brandon book" thanks for the laughs, the cries, the happy times and the sad, thanks for cheering me up, making me mad....the good, the bad, and thanks for making me once smile.......You were a Good book while it lasted............Ok people this goes for all of you out there who need to close the book and get rid of it!............. Read the last page now and close it........................................................
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