The First Cut is The Deepest..............

Its November 15, 2011, 4:10 pm and my mom calls my sister and i from New York and tells us to go talk to  our step father, he has a certain look on that worries us. He tells us that tomorrow at 1pm they are going to pull the machine on my grandmother, who has been hospitalized for the past 2 weeks. A routine check up turned into a stay in the hospital. My heart sinks, and its just unbearable to imagine...i go about my day as if nothing happen and i barely make it through work.....the next day its November 16th 2011, and I cant even think of anything but 1pm 1 pm 1pm......its terrible to know the time a loved one is going to die and theres nothing u can do about it, id rather get a phone call and have someone tell me thats it they've died. I had physical therapy that day and they knew what was going to happen, so they let me leave a little early and i went to Wendys, with ex bf at the time for some lunch at 12:46pm, my step father comes to pick us up at Wendy's its 1:17pm, i hadnt been looking at the time, i just didnt want to know, and then i get into the car and hear it.............she died. I couldnt believe it, i was shocked for a moment and then tears and tears just ran down my face, my first lost in my 21 years of life, i hadnt lost anyone close to me and now i did. My Abuela, the head of the family, my Great Grandmother...gone.....My little brother is still at school at this point and im dreading the time for him to come home....he'll be home at 3:30pm, hes going home to heart break.......its all so surreal....Im trying to look at the positives, shes with her baby son now, shes no longer suffering.....those are all plusses but  the minus is shes no longer with us.......at Physical therapy i sat for a while with my eyes closed, i felt her come say good-bye to me, she looked good, i wish i couldve been there, i hated that i was all the way in florida and couldnt say good-bye. And the way things were looking, i wasnt going to be able to make it to her funeral, knowing that cut deep down inside of me, will i ever forgive myself? will i be ok?.............it made me so angry....so angry.......i eventually had to get over the fact that i had to say good-bye to her in my own time, i had to chuck it up and deal wit my emotions by myself.......Its that time now, where my brother walks in, hes happy, going about his normal day, and i have to go and break his heart.........so i go and tell him and b4 i could speak he knew, we both cried and cried, he fell to the ground....it was sooooo painful.......my sister found out through an idiot cousin on Facebook, because like a dumass she posted rip Grandma, not checking to make sure everyone knew......so that made me even more mad.......i cried and cried cried until my eyes were dried up and swollen, i took a week off of work and the day before thanksgiving i had to return to work........my siblings and i try to pull 2gether what ever kind of thanksgiving that we could, my sister and i cooked and it was a bittersweet moment..........now Christmas is arriving my grandparents have arrived and it was a sad moment, the tree is up the lights are lit all over the house......but theres something missing......its again a bittersweet moment......i went my whole life with no loss in my life, i never had to experience the enemy of death, and on November 16, 2011 i had to......its a feeling i wish upon no one and a feeling you never lose, its always with you......even when u think uve forgotten about it or moved on, the subtle things in life remind you of that person and the sink in your heart you felt the day they left this earth occurs once again...........R.I.P Abuela I love you and you will forever be in my heart..................

Toxic.......

Everyone has that moment in their life where they step back and reevaluate their life...I had that moment tonight.....and as to what happen 2nite well I'll get to that later....but for now I'll tell u about what led to that moment.....You know scientist have described Love as some sort of euphoria...its said our bodies react the same way to eating chocolates....you ever see a chocolate that looks irresistible and u just have to have it.....or you crave a certain chocolate all day long and when u finally have it its like heaven....I felt like that when I met "him"....he was the chocolate I had been wanting my whole life....his mere existence was shocking to me...I thought are their really men out there like him? Is he really interested in me? He didn't have a lot going for him....he had no education no job he had horrible habbits and he wasn't the cream of the crop....yet there was something about him that pulled me in... something unlike I'd ever experienced...he was kind and sweet he accepted me for EVERYTHING that I was and am...he didn't have a problem with anything and to him I was the most beautiful person in the whole wide world...I was #1 no one and nothing came b4 me and that was a good feeling hell it was a great feeling...every girl wants that....I thought to myself this is the man I'm going to marry this is who is going to treat me like a princess for the rest of my life....................
boy was I wrong........as the months went on and we spent more and more time together I started to see perhaps who he always was...he just hid it and told me what I wanted to hear.....his temper was out of control...he was way too "hood" for me.....he started speaking to me disrespectfully and I was no angel of course....with my crazy temper combined with his it was WWIII where ever we went and it was a constant battle everyday...we broke up every day and made up everyday...we fought hard with words....the things that came out of our mouths were disgusting and unforgiving....but somehow we always made it back to eachother...it was like poison that fueled our bodies and we couldn't live without it......I think we were just comfortable with eachother and didn't want to start over I mean think about who would want a loud bitchy girlfriend who demands the pants in the relationship and is a princess and who would want a broke uneducated dude with a temper that would have the cops at ur door every night???? Um no one!......and deep deep deep deep down inside we knew that and so we stayed....but this particular night something else happened something was lost....whatever it was holding us together was no longer there....I didn't secretly want him  to stay and he didn't want to stay up all night fighting for our love....he wanted out and so did I...the problem was he had nowhere to go and as much as I didn't care for him anymore I didn't want him sleeping outside....so we're stuck under the same roof for a whole other day and we can't stand eachother......The worst things we've ever said to eachother have been said secrete feelings we've always had aired out....and if there's one thing in life I've learned is that once the words leave ur mouth there's no taking them back u will never get back what u said and that u have to live with the for rest of ur life........someone once said "nor the gun, knife, or acid can compare in damage like that of man's speech".....and its totally true......we drank too much and we were 2 people that just should not have been drinking because the tongue lashing was even worse with liquor thrown in the mix.....we were unhealthy for eachother.....we had reached the end of our ropes....nothing was going to get better it was only getting worse...maybe we were too much alike maybe the both of us were just too jaded to begin with...whatever it was it was clear that "Him" and I together were nothing but Toxic and this time it was really.... really... over.........They say anthing u ever want or love is usually never good for u.....like too much chocolate..............    

Blood Knows Blood

I have a big family.....now that is....it wasn't always like that..for as long as I could remember it had always been just my mom, me, my older sister Sarah and in 1998 a little edition named Angel I wrote about him in my blog called "little Angel". We had our Grandparents(my mothers parents) and our 2 uncles and cousins...but all in all pretty much just us. My sister and I no matter how much we would have like to have had a great relationship with our father, was just not happening...he was locked up and had been our entire lives. He did tell us though that we had other siblings...3 sisters and a brother. 2 older sisters from his 1st marriage and 2 younger ones from his 3rd wife. I was told that we met our 2 older sisters, Stephanie and Krystal when we were babies, but what does that matter I sure as don't remember it...... Well as time went on my dad would always say his greatest hope is that we will all one day reunite and know and love eachother...in my sister and I's head this was easier said then done, because the grown ups in the situation werent acting very grown up, but I suppose a man who u loved and bore children with could def do that to u... My dad had these women crazy! My mother hated his guts and depised him for what he did to her and us...Stephanie and Krystals mom still loved him and wanted to be with him....and the third wife, was still with him, trying to sustain any type of a relationship that a woman could with a man behind bars......all the while years and years are going by....and us, the 6 children are growing up...we're being told 50 million diff stories about eachother and our families, not knowing what the truth was....believing stories we were told and eventually feeling like they were real.....we all had judged eachother based on what our parents were telling us....and when my sister Sarah reached out to my dad in the summer of 2004, asking him to get us in touch with our siblings....the people that have the same blood running through their veins..the people that look just like us.....finally an answer....and it was set up....we would all go to the third wife's  house in Jersey, since it was the biggest place to host all 6 of us and have fun, they had a pool it was summer....u get where I'm going with this.....so we waited in anticipation....and questions ran through all of our heads....is she prettier than me? Is she skinnier than me? Is he stuck up? Are they stuck up? Do they hate me already? Does daddy favor them more than us? And as these questions were running through all our heads....the phone rang and they were outside...we jumped up and told my mom they were here....my mom was crying she was so overjoyed that this moment had finally come after years of wanting it for us......if I may side track a lil.....u see it was told to us that, the 1st wife hated my mother because she said she took my dad away from her....then my mother became sworn enemies with the 3rd wife because it was said she was with my father while my mom was still with him...and the fighting continued between all 3 babymama's and who was right and who was right wrong and who's telling the truth and who's lying will forever be a mystery and well that's their story to tell.....all I can tell is what I know and what can be proven....My mom always spoke to us about Stephanie and Krystal and she showed us pictures of them all the time.....they lived in washington heights and so did my uncle so every time my mom found herself in washington heights she'd always drive down 177th and st nicholas to building 580 and see if she could some how recognize Stephanie or Krystal....and we were there with her looking for faces similar to ours...we couldn't believe that just blocks away our siblings had been living there...we never spotted them.....and so back on track on here...my sisters were told that we were pretty stuck up little rich catholic school girls HA! I wish right? Well my father created this problem always talking to us about one another never paying attention to the kid right  infront of him....but that man has a blog coming just for him soon anyway.....so we're getting ready to walk out of the door my mom is releasing us to a woman she could not stand at the time....but she did it cuz she knew it would make her kids happy....and with her blessing we were out the door and there they were all of them standing outside of the car....it was a small car so I remember thinkin how the hell r we going to fit in there? Lol to all of our surprise we were all on the bigger side...my little brother Jon-Paul was the skinny one....we all hugged and kissed and squeezed ourselves into the car....it was so funny our little brother layed across the back seat ontop of us! It was a nice short 25 min ride to jersey and we pulled up to the house and we got out and ran to see the house.....on the inside me and sarah we were dying..here we were all of our lives sharing a room with our little brother or half of a living room in my grandparents house...and we came to a house with 3 bedrooms a livingroom a dining room a family room a basement with laundry..and a backyard with a pool....they had 2 dogs we loved dogs!! It was all bittersweet to us because in our hearts we were a lil envious....my mom was busting her ass to keep a 2 bedroom apartment over our head....meanwhile across the bridge in Jersey my siblings had it all....And then finding out that it was my father's money that helped her get the house yea well that def didn't help! The man hadn't done a damn thing for us or my mother.......but that's ok because now my mother on her own has a 5 bedroom, 4bath, screened in backyard with an in ground pool! And Orange trees right in our backyard! Now that's a blessing and a major step up from a 2 bedroom 1 bath apt. In the bronx. We got this without my Dad.....so anyway that night with all my siblings we were left alone because the 3rd wife had to work overnight.....so now there's no grown up interference and its just us....we can dish out everything and we started too we said how we really felt about each other all these years and what our lives have been like...we played 21 questions and got to know eachother...and then we told scary stories and all of us  ended up sleeping  in 1 bed it was pretty hysterical....we met our step brother Malik that nite...and Stephnie and Krystal told us about their lil brother Marcus who is around my age...and we told them about our lil angel who was the light of our world...it was sad we wanted him there and he cried when we left he wanted to be apart of that as much as we wanted him to be apart of that...but my mother was not letting that happen.....so we spent a weekend together and it was awesome we all vowed we would never lose contact again because if we did then we would have no one to blame but ourselves...and since the summer of 2004 we haven't....of course all of us don't talk as often as we'd like but we know each other's whereabouts...we know each others number or facebook...we all went and hung out a lot in jersey, I even lived there the summer of 2008, it was really awesome, but clashing of heads made me move back to my moms and I missed her neway.......so in the end Krystal and I became the closes...we hung out All the time! And we spoke everyday! I couldn't believe how much her and I were alike...we were inseparable even when we would fight it never lasted long....I've known Krystal for 7 years now and yet I feel like I've known her a lifetime.....Stephanie was the 1st and only sister to have a baby so far....our nephew, who is adorable and we love him......her and I are not close close but we r def closer than I am with Jonnie and Jon-paul, the younger ones...I guess its because it was just too late in life when we met....but I love them none the less and wish nothing but the best for them.....unfortunately we will never be able to get all of that time back....we will never be able to take the stories our parents told us about 1 another and about our parents out of our head.....one thing is certain tho....14 years of my life will never go by again without me knowing about 1 of my siblings.....because now that I know them and I grew to love them I could never have that missing from my life again.......because they are blood and in spanish we have a saying "El Sangre Se Conose" and it means blood knows blood......I know my blood now and I will never not know them ever again...........

Mom.............

I guess everyone has a story about their mom. My story im sure almost every girl can relate to. My story begins on February 8, 1990 at 9:40pm. i was born to Nancy and John. Of course John was not present, he was too busy trying to get out of jail. I was my mothers second child. She had her 1st child, my older sister, Sarah, almost 3 years before that. I was born into this world with severe asthma and high blood pressure(i guess coming into this world i knew how stressful my life would be already lol) My mom was able to bring me home right away, only to have to be back almost every week. My asthma was that kind of deadly asthma, the kind that would kill you. I grew up being babied because i was "the sick one". That didnt last long of course lol.....but as a child i adored my mom she was everything to me and i couldnt bare to be away from her for long.....that changed......as i got older and i got exposed to the real world, much to early in life might i add, i started to detach myself from her.......The biggest blow to our relationship was when she left my step father at the time when i was 7, he had fallen off his path and got hooked into the world of drugs, my mom was pregnant with my lil bro and she didnt want to expose her children to that. She had gone through enough shit with my drug dealing, drug addict, in and out of jail, father. When we left him it was a whirlwind. I became her punching bag, while getting molested at the same time, but no one knew. It was a weird relationship my mother and i had..it still is...as a child i couldnt be away from her for a second, i adored her, i just wanted her love, i yearned for her love. Even after she would have one of her "im angry moments" and take me into the bathroom and box me up, i would still love her..i didnt understand why she was so angry, was i really that bad of a child? did i piss her off that much? you cant imagine as a child thinking these things. they really could make you feel unwanted, horrible, worthless, and thats exactly what i felt. i mean i was eleven years old when i tried my 1st suicide attempt. my mother made me throw up and told me never to do that again. i never saw a doctor and apparently it never occurred to her that i needed help. but thats a whole other blog in itself. as a teenager i hated my mother, i wanted to pound her face in every day, she was nothing to me, if she had died i would have been relived. yes that was the sad truth of the matter. yet at the same time i wanted her to love me, like me, want to spend time with me, talk to me! ask me if i was ok for once, hear one of my cries of help, and she never did. i would watch these lifetime movies where this mom and daughter had this awesome relationship, and i would hope and wish for that so bad. at the time i didnt know nor understand that my mother was going through things herself and well if she couldnt help herself how could she help me???....you see what you have to understand is my mother wasnt a terrible mother, she fed us kept  us clothed, we always had a roof over our head and she would defend her kids till the death. nobody messed with her kids. she loves me i know she does, i just think she dosent really like me, because i remind her so much of herself, and she dosent like that person so therefore she dosent like me. you know it took me so long to figure out that her and i are just alike....severe anger issues....love gossip...love men....think they are always right...begin yelling at the drop of a dime.....cry when emotional....run away from situations...never say sorry...quite violent....always worried about other people and not ourselves....doing wayyy too much for other people that dont do enough for us......hold grudges for a long time....curse a lot...stand up to anybody big or small......the list goes on....but you see i can admit that i am just like her...i hate it but its true...and she wont....well people something i learned a long time ago...people never change they just get better at hiding who they really are....too much bullshit has gone down between the both of us and theres just no turning back unfortunately, it hurts like hell i mean what girl dosent want a great relationship with their mom?? .......My mother was an excellent provider my siblings and i never went without, but emotionally she failed me...times i needed her the most she wasnt there and i know that she knows that.......my expectations to have a good relationship with my mother have been lost a long time ago, we will never see eye to eye and she will never admit when she is wrong, so i have to walk away and try and live a better life for myself. i have to make sure that my relationship with my children never ends up like my relationship with my mother. But no matter what she is my mother. Shes the person i cry for when im sick, shes the person i long for when im hurting and shes the only person that knows hwo to take care of me. So no matter the fights, the periods of not talking to eachother, or the hurtfl things said, shes mommy, and her sacrifices and love that shes displayed for me will be something im forever grateful for. #mommysgirlforlife

Nothing but God.......

Throughout my life i have had a battle within myself with Christ...Ive loved him...questioned him..hated him...denied him....but he never gave up on...i always felt him there no matter what i try to do..no matter how much i cussed him because i know i have somewhat of a sailors mouth, if you read my other blogs you will def. see that.......i know its wrong and i have to work on it.....but no matter how i am he never turns his back on me and its been 2 yrs now when i finally decided to stop the back and forth and fully commit myself to him...it was time i gave myself to him completely and let him work through me....singing no longer was just singing it was now using the talent to praise him.....my body was no longer to be used to seduce it was to be respected and saved for my future husband......the energy and passion  once put into anger was now to be used to be a soldier for Christ...and although I'm still struggling with this one...my mouth that once cussed and said unruling things was now to be used to preach the word of God....i was to become a true Christian woman for my Lord and savior.....my step father is a pastor and we began fellowship in our home every Sunday....we still do....every Sunday the cell phones go off...the worries are gone...our mind is clear of facebook and twitter and we give ourselves...all of ourselves to God because he deserves that with everything hes given my family and me........ You see God has been with me through every hardship Ive had to experience so far in my short life.....and although young hes given me wisdom at my 21 yrs of age.... God cant always stop bad from happening because we have free will and we make stupid decisions with our flesh and not our spirit sometimes....but he can certainly save us from our mistakes......Jesus was with me when i was on my bathroom floor having taken a whole bottle of pills and i could have died and he saved me he told me i was beautiful and that he had great things planned for me and it wasnt my time to go...i never even went to the ER the feeling i had of passing out was gone i didnt feel myself slipping away anymore,it was as if i had never taken the pills.....When i was molested and raped he gave me strength to forgive and move on with my life...instead of being depressed in my sorrows of what happen to me i could now be a voice for molested and raped women..........he saved me when i was cutting myself to numb myself and i cut myself too deep one day and instead of bleeding to death, the bleeding stopped when i began to pray.....he saved me from an abusive relationship......the days my ex would hit me and start beating me uncontrollably and i would just cry out to the Lord to save me and keep me alive to help me find a way out of the house and he always did......he saved me the day my sister and i were in a car accident where the car flipped 4x's and i was found with no pulse....i was in pain and there was blood everywhere and all i could do was thank God my sister and i were alive, because we should have been dead according to police and doctors...yet we had not 1 broken bone......God never fails me yet i fail him and i want to be better i want to love him as much as he loves me....because the immense love i feel from God....i pray and hope that every1 one day gets to feel that love....sometimes i just drop down and cry because i am so overwhelmed with the love i feel from our Lord.......Gods love is so unconditional and so beautiful that i can only hope to love as he does....he loves us so much he gave up his one and only son for our sins....could you sacrifice your son or daughter to save another from their sins???............i want to better myself for Jesus, so i can bless other people in their lives with my words and continue to receive my blessings from God.....People call good things luck..coincidence...fate....i just say....... Its Nothing but God............. God Bless You All...............

Friends.....Do They really exist?????

My mom always told me to be careful who i befriend...she said she had so many "friends" who were never really there when it counted......i didn't believe her...i thought friends were everything...friends were ur family away from the real family u were dealt....as i got older i slowly began to see what it was my mom spoke about....little incidents occurred that you would think would have made me want to push friends away instead i yearned for friends it was a necessity to have friends..i thought it was just one bad friend another good one will come along right?........i was wrong.......i had drama beyond drama through middle school and some of those "friends" came to high school with me and it was the same bullshit.......i will not be an innocent and say i didn't have my share of drama because the Lord knows i did...i talked shit about people just as much the next girl....i had a temper i flew off the handle for no reason...yes i can admit all of this now as an adult and a christian woman...But at the time  was just like everyone i was never wrong and no one could tell me anything......i had friends backstabbing me on a regular basis....i had friends who if saw me getting jumped wouldn't jump in for me.....friends who the minute they found out i wasn't a virgin assumed i was a slut doing every tom, dick and harry and therefore couldnt be associated with me.....friends who found out i wasnt as rich as them and felt they were too good for me....friends who the min i put weight on i became to fat for them to hang out with.....friends who found out i was friends wit sum1 they didnt like so i was cut off.......i mean and notice as i say all of these things i say "friends" these people were not my friends...they never were...and suddenly my moms words came creeping into my head...."theres no such thing as a friend" and it was starting to become apparent.....when i was kicked out of catholic school and had to go to Christopher Columbus....so many people that claimed to be my friends shut me out...i was a public school girl now therefore i was not in the circle anymore.....i have about 8 friends that until this day look for me and still speak to me....and they know who they are.....i went through some hard times and i would go through my phone looking for someone to call anyone someone and either i got voice mail or i knew i would never call them...like why did i even have their name in my phone book?? why was i looking for these people on facebook? they didnt look for me?....and now that we're friends they still dont talk to me so why the hell do i have them on my friends????  is this a friend contest......do people just want to see where people have gone in life? r they losers or successful? i know sometimes thats all i look for sometimes.........it was a perfect example when my bday came around.....the people who wished me a happy bday and the people that didnt....the ones that  said happy bday to when it was their day....and then last night i through a party at a club for my 21st bday and so many people i once thought id spend my 21st with didnt even show up...or didnt even bother saying why they didnt show up....yet these are my "friends" Some had legit reasons for not being there and that was cool....but others? the ones that didnt even care enough to call or text me a lie?....Last night i had an epiphany....as i was dancing and having fun with those who did show up it was a realization of who really mattered and that facebook....myspace....aim...twitter and any other stupid social website dosent define "how many friends" you have.....the ones who show up when it matters....now those r ur friends......the friends u dont see for a yr but come just that 1 day u really needed them.....the friends u never speak to u but r the phonecall that makes u feel better when ur down and out......the friend that u never hang out with but take u in when u have no where else to go.......thats a friend......question is am i a REAL friend and ARE YOU????????????????

Putting Back the Pieces of My Heart..............

So its one of those nights where my head is in 50 million diff places and i cant sleep....so as i lay in my bed staring up at the glowing stars on my ceiling....thoughts start to flutter into my mind....the past comes up the present and the future.....my deepest fears sneak up on me..my deepest insecurities....and everything i dont want happening in the nite when im trying to sleep start happening.....you see im about to start a whole new life in an entirely diff state and its exciting but scary...and im happy but sad......ontop of all of that i met a great guy and hes in florida...but as always im slowly letting my insecurities get the best of me and im starting to doubt what we have, just because im scared of what ive never had before...im scared of the love he offers.....he offeres it to me in such a large amount...soo genuine...soo full of affection....soo honest...and one part of me of me says wow u deserve this after all of the shit youve been through but the other part says ur too damaged you dont deserve this love....im at a constant battle with myself everyday...and he will never understand....he just wants me to put my fist down and let him near my heart....its so hard for me.....he accepts all of me everything that i am every flaw n whatever else i throw at him...im simply beautiful to him...... that feeling right there ladies and gentleman is something every human being should experience....and i have it now right infront of me.....only sweet words come out of his mouth to me....and he makes promises i want to believe inside....but what happens if i give him all of me?..........the question i ask myself every night is should i let him in or not?.....but u see the funny part is he already got in=) he came bulldozing my wall down and took my heart...he has it...its his now....it beats tenderly in the palm of his hands....i hope he protects it...because truth is i dont think i could survive another heart ache.....ive been so strong until now.....i think if this didnt work out...he will just have to stay with my heart, because i wont want it back and  i'll just be one heartless bitch......

Breaking The Silence on Molestation.......

You know although many different races go through molestation it is most common in hispanic and african american families......molestation is known all to well in my family.....you see it started with my grandmmother, she was the victim of molestation and rape...back in those days we had a lot of family members arriving from puertorico and they would always stay with my great grandparents cuz i guess thats the way they did things the first to arrive hosted the others until they on our feet, i gues some cultures still do that...so my grandmother was the oldest of her siblings, my grandmother was so beautiful when she was younger and she still is=).... they would have these grown men sleeping right next to her and my aunt...never thinking twice about it....and my grandmother was molested and raped......she had known my grandfather her entire life and when she was 16 she married him to escape everything she was going through....i can def relate, running away with a man to escape home problems? yea not always the best thing.....because when you do that the men feel like they have control over you...like you cant live without them because they are all you have.....so we are about 40 years later and Both of my sisters were molested, but thats their story to tell.......mine is im 7 yrs old....we were sent to PR every summer....It was a nice experience except for one thing.....I had an older cousin ...he started playing "house" with my cousin and i......so we start playing house regularly and then he would start kissing us and asking us to do things to him or with each other.....i was only 7 but i was pretty sure that this was worng i just had that feeling....and one day when my cousin and i try to run away from the shed in the back of the house that we would play in, and tell my grandparents he pulled out a machete and put it to our faces and said if we ever told anyone he would slice our pretty little faces...so we were scared and kept it inside....we got back from PR and nothing was said...we continued to play"house" and the next yr we retuned to PR and it was the same thing...and it continued when we came back..my cousin and i always too scared to say anything.....2 years had gone by and the molestation was still going on...and it was getting worse......so im sitting in the doctors office with my mom one day and i had seen a movie that was a similiar situation like mine and when they went to the doctor the doctor could tell the little girl had been touched, so i started freaking out....and right there in the doctors off i just came out and said it to my mom.....and  her mouth dropped she couldnt believe what was coming outta my mouth....she said dont worry we will handle this when we get home(my grandmothers house) and not to say anything to the doctor(she could have had an ACS case)....so its a long and silent drive home...my mom had called my grandmother on the phone already so the minute we got there my cousin and i were called into her bedroom....we were asked some questions and then my male cousin was called in and he got beat and then was told never to do it again because if not they  would have to tell my grandfather.......so its done and we all leave the room....my cousin and i were kind of relived for that moment.....so a couple of weeks go by and then he struck again..the way any predator does....and i went to tell my grandmother and she told me to start wearing shorts and that she will tell him something....so i start wearing shorts and then he touches me again....i go and tell my grandmother and she tells me to start wrapping the sheets around me really tight and again i do that and  he just wouldnt stop!....one day he gave up on me and then went to my cousin..she started screaming at the top of her lungs and it just so happen that my uncle was there and he woke up and saw everything he pinned him up on the wall and told him if he ever did that shit again he was going to beat the shit out of him.......he layed low for a couple nights before coming after me again.....the next night he went to touch me again i kicked him in his face and told him if ever touched me again i would fucking kill him and i meant it.....  he never did again...a year later he was shipped off to his mom and the family still dealt with him for holidays and stuff but he never touched me again.....the sad part is he was so mentally sick at that time and he had gone through his own share of abuse, then did so many drugs that he dosent even remember the shit he did and he would hug and kiss me like nothing had ever happen........over the years i came to forgive him...I feel sorry for him that he never got help...that no one ever saw his pain and suffering and helped him.......and i know many people go their entire lives not finding that closure....but i have i refuse to let him have any power over my life.......And i Love him dearly today, he is my family and i forgave him a long time ago.......when Jesus was dien on the cross he said "Father forgive them for they know not what they do"......so thats how i feel about it....no point in holding onto that hurt...i will never be able to forget it but i can let it go and show other women or men who had the same experience as me, thats ok to talk about...its ok to let go and let the world know what happen....i did it and i feel soo much better and im an advocate for helping kids dealing with molestation....I'm breaking the silence on molestation............................If you or someone you know is being molested or raped please contact:

 http://www.way2hope.org/signs_of_child_molestation.htm 

http://www.rainn.org/

http://helpguide.org/mental/child_abuse_physical_emotional_sexual_neglect.htm

To get help or report abuse, call theChildhelp National Child Abuse Hotlineat 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).

A little blessing from God........

So i had another blog planned for tonight but i figured due to the occasion i should write this one.....It was always just me and my sister sarah. I was always the baby and i loved it and i did not plan on having anyone else come and take my place lol...so when i was 8 yrs my step dad and my mom split...and it hit my sis and i real hard because he had raised us, and at that time we were too young to understand why our dad wasnt in our life anymore..but thats a whole other blog in itself......so over the next couple of months my mom had become very paranoid about her stomach..my sister and i could no longer play with her or jump ontop of her...and my sister and i were confused but at the same time we didnt understand it either....So its 9:30pm on january 20th, i still remember like if it was yesterday...at that time we all lived with my grandmother and so my sister and i and my 2 cousins were laying down, because it was a school day...and all of sudden my mom is dressed with her coat and so r my grandparents...and they told us we were staying with our uncle and they will back soon...now somehow someway i dont know how my sister and i knew my mom was on her way to have baby, we didnt have a clue before that moment..cant explain it... we just knew....So the minute the front door closed we had our heads down praying for my mom and my sister prayed for a baby brother and i wanted a baby sister lol....so with our prayers into God we feel asleep...and my grandma woke us up about 7:30am and she had breakfast made and she was ironing our clothse for school and we all woke up throwing questions at her and she calmy stopped ironing and said "girls mommy had a baby last night and its a boy"...we started screaming! it was really crazy and my grandmother says ok calm down and get ready....we rushed to get to school and tell everyone about our new little baby that had arrived.....our teachers were just as surprised as we were because they wondered when was their mom pregnant? if they only knew we didnt know either! lol so my grandparents picked us up from school and took us the hospital to see our new baby brother....we arrived saw our mom and we had a million questions for her and she said shed explain later and go see the baby.....we rushed down to the nursery to see this little bundle of joy...he  was soo cute and sooo quiet..he had the cutest little duck lips and we fell inlove with him right then and there....his name was Angel Christopher Gonzalez......a couple of days went by and it was time for our little prince to arrive...so my mom comes walking down the hall with this little person in the most adorable bear outfit and we had all of our neighbors in our house waiting his arrival....we ran down the hall to greet him and we were inseparable ever since then.....as our little angel grew up he spent a lot of time with my sister and i because my mom had to work a lot...he was like my son i took him everywhere with me.... i was 10 with a stroller and a 2 yr old and i felt like i had to protect him to the max he was my heart..he was my new reason for living and if nething ever happen to him i simply could not live....the three of us till this daty are the 3 closet siblings ive ever known...we have eachothers back like no 2morrow.....most 13 yr old boys are closed off and dont really tell adults anything....not my lil man...he tells my sister and i everything even if he knows im going to rip him a new one lol......so today January 21st 2011 he turned 13 and i cried because i thought back to that very moment of him arriving in his little bear outfit......He has been my rock through so many struggles in my life...when i felt like giving up on life his face was what would come into mind and i would think what it would do to him and who would be his body guard like me? i couldnt hurt him like that and i couldnt die and not be with im and miss out on his baseball games....basketball games...graduations...girlfriends....im so proud to be his sister even through the puberty lol the mood swings and the discovery of hair in certain places lol.....im his personal cheerleader always on the sideline smiling at my angel....you see we named him angel...and its because thats exactly what he was when he came into our lives...he dosent even know how he saved each and every one of our lives the minute he was born......but he did........Happy Birthday I love you Angel always and forever..................

CHERISH YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS THEY ARE YOUR BLOOD AND WILL BE THE ONES TO HAVE YOUR BACK WHEN OUR SO CALLED "FRIENDS" DONT...........

My lil bro when he was 4 years old

My bro now at 13 yrs old=)

Ex-Cutter wasnt always an Ex....

So Many people look at my screen name and wonder WTF does that mean? That looks like a sick name blah blah.....Well i thought it was about time i explained that name to you guys. So i had never heard of people cutting themselves before Freshman year of H.S. I had made a friend her name was Lauren and she was quirky and funny and incredibly sensitive i loved her. Most of my friends were friends with her as well. Now Lauren always wore the school sweater in the fall..winter..spring and summer, and we use to ask her damn girl u not hot? and shed always say no. So one day as we're sitting at our lunch table, and we're dishing out our boyfriend problems and any other problems having to do with our bodies and I had this awesome friend Gina who was like Momma Gina to us lol and she always had these great answers to make u feel better. So Lauren in the midst of all this says shes been so depressed lately and started cutting herself again...and we thought again? she rolled her sleeve up and we saw these huge scars and we asked her why she was doing this to herself? She said it made her feel better it was a release of some kind....i was going through my own challenges at the time and i secretly thought to myself wow cutting that sounds like a good idea. So one day in the midst of being pissed off and depressed i went and grabbed a knife from my kitchen and went at my arm like a butcher goes at a cows foot. and when i was done i looked at arm with cuts all over and blood seeping out of them, and i felt relieved...was this the feeling Lauren was talking about? If it was i wanted it again and again and again......So i reveal to my friends what im doing and they were shocked they told me to stop and not do it again...Even Lauren cringed at the sight of my healing cuts...i guess it was more painful to see them on someone else rather then urself...i guess seeing it on my arm made it real for her.....So cutting was something rarely or never brought up again....and one day Lauren dissapeared for 2 weeks and came into class one day just to get her work when we all asked her what had happen she said she had try to kill herself and was being home schooled for a while.......i never saw Lauren again.....everyone was shocked.....but why? we had all seen the signs...why didnt any of us say anything to anyone? well i can speak only for myself and say i never went to a teacher or the nurse or our guidance councler and told them hey i think my friend is in trouble.....why were we so afraid of these things??? ........Because society taught us to be afraid and unaccepting of those things they considered "freakish" or "taboo". So i went years cutting myself...as recent as 2017. I would go on and off and then something would make me break and id go for that knife again...needless to say i put my family and the 2 serious boyfriends i had, through hell. I had them on edge..what if i cut too deep? what if someone notices and has me locked up in the looney bin? how much longer will i do this? what will our future kids say when they see mommys arm all caught up? It was a sickness...an addictive sickness...most people run to the bottle or their drug of choice when shit goes down hill i turned to my knife...i cut myself to release anger..hurt..sadness.. insecureness...i wanted to feel the pain physically of the knife cutting through my skin than to feel the emotional hurt....i did get help...professional help which a lot of people dont get...its emabarrasing for them....and it was for me...until i realized i had to stop caring about what everyone else thought and get myself better for ME.....I AM AN EX-CUTTER.......Please Dont stay quiet if you or someone you know is causing themselves physical harm GET HELP.........


http://www.seventeen.com/health/advice/a4533/cutting-resources/

    http://www.sunrisertc.com/contact.php

" He hits me Because he Loves me".......

As i child i had seen my grandmother be hit my grandfather twice, i loved my grandfather to death and i didnt understand why he did what he did, but i was 4 so i wouldn't understand. As i got older and understood what alcohol was and what it made people do than i started to understand. As i was growing up i always said id be damned if any man was going to hit me, or ever put his hands on me, hell i had watched enough lifetime movies to know the signs and i was that chick screaming at the TV "you stupid i would have been left" yes that was me and calling every chick that went through that an idiot....until Jonathan....you see i couldnt have met him at a more vulnerable time in my life. I was alone i was starting college, i was still heartbroken a yr later after my ex broke up with me....just a mixture of things....so here i am 18 yrs old and i meet what i think is this put all together man Ive always wanted. He was 32yrs old and he had a job, a car, and an apt. He was 6'5 250lb, dark hair, light eyes white with tats all over. I fell hard. the 1st day we met we were in love yep 1st day so if you dont believe in love at first sight believe it! He accepted me for all my flaws and more everything i offered he wanted it good and bad. i mean he had some baggage himself. he had 2 kids and the drama of an ex wife. but none the less i loved him i moved in with him within 2 1/2 months of dating and i was playing house for a while. I took care of his kids every weekend and i loved them as if they were my own and Lord knows it wasnt easy when their mom kept poisoning their mind. We had been together for 6 months when the rest of our relationship was about to shape its self. I had seen the jealous side of him already and it wasnt cute, but apart of me liked it...it turned me on to think he must love me sooo much to get that jealous over me...So im on the phone with a friend of mine asking hims some questions about going to the Aids walk New York, which i had helped organize every year. The conversation lasted all about 5 min. and the girls were over but they were in their room with the door closed watching a movie and he was in our bedroom, he came storming out of our bedroom into the living room and demanded to know who i was speaking to i told him and he wanted my phone he grabbed it out of my hand and the next thing i know we're in the kitchen and hes got me choked up on the fridge and then he throws me down to the ground, breaking my chain and at that very moment his kids come out of their room and coming running to ask me if im ok, i wasnt, but for their sake i said i was fine.....the next incident occurred in the car on a simple trip to walmart and he was upset at the walmart i chose and punched me in the car and pinched my skin so hard i started to bleed..then we went inside walmart and he didnt like a skirt i picked out so he screams at me in the middle of walmart and literally silenced the walmart shoppers...so after that it was ALOT of verbal abuse and then one night that i thought was turning out to be a pretty normal night...we were laying in bed watching a movie and my phone kept buzzing, it was an old male friend hitting me up on aim, And he flipped he threw a glass and broke it and then when i try to leave the room he grabbed me and slammed me into the corner part of the desk, and we all know how it feels if ur back hits something pointy.....i was screaming in pain....and then he threw me on the bed and started choking me and asking me if i was cheating on him...i kicked him off and try to run for the phone he smacked me and took my phone and tossed it in the toilet, while he was doing that i ran outside in the middle of the street barefooted and screamed for help...nobody helped me...he dragged me all the way back inside and slammed me around a lil more, until finally foricng me to have sex and than he thought he could go to sleep without me going anywhere....and again here is where God comes in because i got my phone out of the toilet and i was blowing on that thing like no tomorrow and it somehow turned on the screen was blank but i knew my mom's number and i dialed it and when she picked up all i could let out were cries and i finally calmed down and told her what happen and her, my stepdad, and sister came in blazing and dad beat the living daylights out of him i mean broken ribs broken eye socket the whole nine yards...so i left with my family and yes people like an idiot i returned to him within days..satisfied that he got what he got yet feeling the need to care for him...it took a while but i got my family and him to finally speak and being the Christian family that we are everyone decided to forgive him but they made sure to not forget....so about 4 months go by with him behaving himself so to speak and then the verbal abuse starts and then shoving here and there and a lil choking until the big boom...the moment i knew it was my life or him taking it....So his crazy ex was really starting to get in between our relationship as if the abuse wasnt enough....and at this point we are a yr and half together and engaged...so we were arguing about his ex wife and i said i dont think we should be together anymore and got up to leave and walk into our bedroom and again the girls are over and he comes storming into the next room and hits me in my head and knocks me on the bed...he has his knee in my back and is trying to take the ring off of my finger..and im like no stop it the girls are upstairs and hes shoving my face down so hard my mouth is bleeding i get him off of him he punches me in my stomach and im down and hes choking me and im going light headed...i somehow manage to get him off of me and i pushed him onto the flr and i ran down the steps of my house so fast that until this day i tell you an angel carried me down those steps and i screamed for my neighbor and he came running just as Jonathan was grabbing me by my hair and dragging me back into the apartment...he pushed him off of me and pulled me inside his house and then called the cops and the neighbors next door had called the cops as well...so we had 2 cop cars and 1 state trooper car show up(we lived upstate)...i was all bloody and had hand prints all over me....he was taken upstairs to be questioned and i was kept downstairs.....it was a miracle his kids had slept through everything i was thankful because i wouldnt have wanted them to see any of it and the cops wanted me to press charges and i soooo wanted to but you see i had to think about those 2 lil girls and he was on probation already(yea i know how to pickem) and so i didnt...yes people i didnt...we slept in diff. rooms and within the next week i left in the middle of the night with what i could carry and on a train....people say well thank God you made it out alive, but did i? i was scarred for life ......i thought he was going to kill me...and i use to justify it with...he loves me thats why he does it cuz he loves me sooo much and he would even say that....and i thought i'll never find anyone who loves me as much he does....but if that was love did i really want it??? Ladies lets not be so quick to judge another woman try and put urself in her shoes...like me.............Please dont be silent like so many people were about me when the heard what was happening to me and did nothing

.If you or anyone you know is experiencing domestic violence male or female please visit any of the following help sources :
www.Women-In-Need.org or call
1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.
http://www.thehotline.org/
 or contact your local authority.

Fat Girl.....

OK so since the beginning of time being fat has been like having leprosy i swear....I have always been the chunky girl you know....but i never really had issues through school i was pretty popular until i had to go to Catholic school in the 4th grade..my mom thought itd be a "better education for my sister and i"....so we go and im the odd new girl i went from being OD  popular to OD nobody....so i had this teacher who didnt like me because i was fat...Ms. Fucking Solano...i tried everything for the woman to like me and she just wouldnt budge..so whatever i was the new fat girl that no one spoke to...i was wayyyy more developed than most 9 yrs olds i had breast already and i was going through some hormonal changes..i got my period at 9 and i hadnt quite  discovered deodorant yet lol so needless to stay it was not a good start....but through the yr i try to make friends i had some really nice people approach me and talk to me and then 5th grade came...i had a teacher that finally liked me Mr. Crimens and things were starting to look up i had my lil circle of friends and i was branching out...still 2 yrs in a row had by and no student of the week...so 6th grade comes OMG what an effin nightmare i seriously had thoughts of bitch slapping her.....Bitch made my life a living hell she simple did not like me for whatever reason...she didnt like any of the fat kids meanwhile she was Morbidly Obese..her favorites were the skinny minis of the class...so i make it out of that year alive..barely...and im in 7th grade..my mom becomes class mom for the 1st time and she just so happens to work in a blinds store and donated free blinds to the entire preschool and then just like that the principal loved me...the teachers from yonkers including that bitch Ms. Solano, started liking me and my fav. teacher Mrs. O'neil loved me and finally i got student of the week people! i was so happy i went home and freakin cried that night....so 7th grade was pretty awesome i had a nice set of friends and 8th grade came around and it was a breeze for the most part...their were certain individuals that TRIED to make my life hell i even had the momz of one dude TRYING to make my life a living hell...but in the end i made it through that God Forsaken school alive! It was a bittersweet moment for myself and most of my friends...some of us had become so close we didnt know when we'd see eachother again...i say if i never spoke to ne1 from 7th or 8th grade again id still have the memory of our friendships and the laughs we all had...trying to remove myself from the fat girl image was hard and i thank God i never had someone like try to bully me cuz i wouldve fucked them up hands down lol but the looks and the whispers throughout the yrs get to u...asking ur skinny friend where she got those pants from and she says Victoria secret and u think to urself "yea i guess i aint gettin those" that def stays with you....i guess as you get older you get this i don tgive a shit attitude and you shrug it off...but no matter how insecure or how confident you may be those words FAT GIRL...will always pierce you like a sword......

He said "Are you a Carpet Muncher"?

Any person who has actually had a life can you tell you they have had their share of drama....so let me share my bits of drama with you.....so freshman year of highschool i went to an all girls catholic school....many of my friends from my middle school were there so i was comfortable i had my bitchez with me so to speak....i must say freshman year of H.S was awesome i really did love it i had so much fun i made sooo many new friends aside from my old friends..i loved my teachers i mean me and my girls just had a lot of fun....but through all of that fun there was drama..there was the he said she said bullshit there was the you took or are talking to my man bullshit and there was the i heard you were you talking shit about me bullshit......there was the everyone was bisexual for a while bullshit.......and anyone reading this post who went to school with me knows that this always ended in the guidance counclers room lol...that didnt do shit it just removed the problem from the school to the streets...and let me tell you teenage girls can be sooo  vicious i mean we were some mean bitches lol....making girls cry and not even caring...just judging judging judging...and who the hell were we? nobody.....so freshman year was over and i did really well academic wise and then the shock of my life...the changing point in my life.....my mom couldnt afford the tuition anymore...and it came down to take my lil bro out of school or me? and of course i knew my lil bro couldnt handle public school hes not a hard ass like me..so it was me that had to be removed....and where do i go? God forsaken Christopher Columbus oh wait im sorry it was a little school inside of there called pelham prep as if that made a difference:/ .....so its my first day of school i reeeeaallly dont want to be here but whatever my first class of the day is English im the shit in English so it was no biggy and i had this cute kid flirt with me the whole class lol then it was math with the dumbest teacher to have ever lived and i go and sit all the way in the back to not be bothered and of course he has to say lets welcome our new student Samantha....i was like really? so he starts asking me all sorts of questions about where i came from and that was all it took was me to say Saint Catharines and everyone knew that was the all girls school up the block and so this idiot kid,Kenneth, i'll never 4get, walks up to me and says so are a carpetmuncher? and i was like exuse me? and hes like u know you eat pussy...i was like get the fuck out of my face and he was like no answer my question and he puts his hand on my face and i took my notebook and smacked him with him and pushed him and i couldve really fucked him up but the teacher broke it up and i was sitting in the principal's office.....Great 1st day of public school huh?

Reminiscing on the past....

You know sometimes i have like these sleepless nights where my entire life runs through my head and my mind becomes filled with regrets and what ifs.....im trying to stop thinking about the past and im trying to stop feeling for the past....when i was 15 i met what i thought would be my future husband, crazy right to think i knew what love was at 15?, we were insane for each other absolutely inseparable nobody could tell us anything. We faced obstacles though, his mother not approving of me she felt i distracted him from his studies he was a 22 yr old  pre-med student. And me well i had issues lol yes i have to admit it, my elevator did not reach the top floor if you know what i mean lol, but none the less i adored the man. i made his life somewhat hell as the years went on, it was an emotional roller coaster between him and i, but he still always loved me and i adored him.... and to this date no one has ever treated me as well as he did, but through all my craziness he commited the ultimate betrayal and he had an affair, and left me for her. i was heart broken, i think a part of me still is...and of course like most chicks on the side she try to claim her spot as being the main woman and that she was never the side chick and i was the psycho ex who didnt leave her and her man alone and blah blah and it was over just like that....i never got closure from him 2 yrs together i deserved closure right? After that it was a bunch of meaningless sex with man i didnt even like and i lost myself, i started having sex  "just because" and sex at that time was cool  u were hot shit if you were having sex with ur man...my friends and i gathered to talk about our sexcapades can u imagine 15-17 yr old girls acting like 30 yr old women on sex in the city....it was wrong but no one told us it was...no one told us to stand up for ourselevs and protect our bodies and value our bodies.....instead the more guys we racked up the more praise my friends and i gave eachother...what the hell was i thinking? why werent we saying did u use a condom? are you on birth control? did you really want to have sex? it dosent look cute having so many sexual partners......nope none of that....and where were those friends when someone got pregnant?caught an STD? or got raped?......No where...those same friends who once praised us for our sexual behavior now looked down upon us.....Today as a 21 yr old mature young woman i would never act that way with my friends....because real friends care and real friends do something........they dont let you slowly kill yourself...because slowly you start to feel a little disgusted with urself and u start to hate urself for what u did and it eats and eats and eats at you until eventually someone dies.......

The Day That Changed my Life......

So story of my life my biological father has been in prison since i was a baby. And my entire life has been knowing him behind a prison wall. When my sister and i turned 18 we took it upon ourselves to start going to visit him  ourselves. I wasn't really sure for what though. i mean to have asthma attacks every time i had to leave him because id start crying so much i couldn't breath? yes this was my relationship with my father. When on November 12, 2010 my sister and i decided to go take a road trip damn near to Canada from the bronx, ny to see him. We rented a car..we packed food and clothes to stay the weekend in a motel i mean we had it all down-pack....and we got there and we had a wonderful 2 days with him. The time had come as always to part ways and i did it surprisingly not as emotional as my entire life...It was done my sister and i had accomplished a successful road trip with pictures and videos to last us a lifetime! I was driving first and i drove the 1st 4 hours before i got sleepy and we switched drivers at a gas station....you know when i think back on that moment i remember this really friendly girl at the register who thought we were cool for taking the road trip and she told us good luck and drive safely home...those words were never needed as much as i thought they were until about an hour later.....So my sister is driving... the music is blasted and i recline my seat back to take a snooze i called my mom to let her know we were 3 hrs away and she was happy and was cooking our favorite meal we said our good byes and i closed my eyes....now stupid me i had forgotten to put my seat belt on when we left the gas station, and my eyes are closed and my seat is reclined with no seat belt and just like that, i heard a whisper i knew it wasn't my sister and i didn't understand it at first and then there it was "Put your seatbelt on" i was confused and i thought i was crazy but just like that i put my seatbelt on and went back to sleep....my body started swerving and it immediately woke me up and there i wake up to what i thought was going to be the last time i wake up....we swerved back and forth and BOOM we hit a ditch head o and started tumbling 1...2...3..4...and then the silence only lasted a second before the screams of fear and agony came out of me and my sister....We were hanging upside down and the pain from the seatbelt cutting into our muscles was horrible my sister was held by both straps the one across her chest and the one across her lap however, since i had been reclined, the strap across my leg was the only thing holding me so my upper body twisted every which way and hit anything and everything it could....my face took 2 tremendous blows to the dashboard.......We released ourselves and i fell flat and couldnt move i thought i was paralyzed...my arm was twisted in a way it was suppose to twist my face was covered with so much blood i was unrecognizable and ribs bruised making it hard to breath....i remember holding my sisters hand when a man behind us who witnessed everything came running and he turns out to be a volunteer paramedic??? Coincidence i think not its called GOD.....so my sister crawls out of the car and im passed out...i had lost so much blood so quickly i just passed out my body shut down and the ambulance arrived and couldnt find a pulse...i remember being like in a far place u know where everything sounds like an echo and in the distance..that was what i felt like and then i opened my eyes to see this kind faced woman calling my name and telling me to stay with her that im going to be ok...but i just wanted my sister and i demanded to know where she was in all of the little i could speak my face was so banged up i couldnt even talk.....in the ambulance i went in and out of consciousness i dont remember a lot i remember the male paramedic telling me to stay with him and them having to suction the blood out of my throat because i was choking on it....as we arrived at the hospital my pressure began to drop and they rushed me in suddenly i had 2 doctors and 4 nurses working on me it was like a movie was being played infront of me or a soap opera i just couldnt believe it...was this really happening to me???? After everything and my parents arrived they wanted me closer to home so they decided to take me back to the bronx and i went to the ER there...i was x-rayed..given shots and then sent home...all i can do is heal now, thats what they told me, so i went home and i healed as best as i could taking it day by day...and im changed..God saved me he spared my sisters life and mine. When a realization like happens you are never the same...........

He Has Never Left me........

I have gone through soooo much in my short life span, sometimes it amazes me. But through it all i have had a tremendous faith in God. At times i steered away from him this is true, but he has always someway somehow let me know he is near and that he would never turn his back on me. For those who know me closely, you know i have dealt with depression for many years, i have fought through it and had great days and at times its overcome me and bought me down to my lowest. Up until a couple of years ago, depression was unheard of i mean what is it and where does it come from? when i was 12/13 there was no special kind of help for girls my age, we were just too young to have problems....Boy was society highly mistaken! First of all although i love my internet dearly, when AOL hit the world in the mid 1990's, it opened up the world to more crime than they couldve  imagined. If pedophiles werent a problem before the net, they were about to be. Old men were posing as young boys for young innocent girls, and girls were starting to be killed,raped and kidnapped....it was crazy...and i was amongst it all.....Youd think after the first story posted of a 13yr old girl being killed by a man off the net that would stop me but it didnt...it did hit me tho i never knew this girl but i somehow felt connected with her i even cut her pic out of the newspaper and carried it for years, at the time i was 11....i could never forget her name Christina Long....i kept thinking that could have been me..talking to all of these men online telling them im 16 and i was 11, 12, 13....now and days girls bodies are maturing so much faster, so it wasnt hard to play the part. At that time Yahoo had chatrooms created by members and i guess it wasnt monitored because there were chat rooms that would specify "old man for youg girl" and at taht age we're not int othe boys our age because they just arent mature enough and here comes this older man that makes u feel special that makes u feel like its ok that ur 13 and have breast and have curves, and we fall into that and men know this....Christina Long was the first known internet related murder and it only got worse from there.......

The beggining.....

Hey guys! Ok so i decided to start a blog after watching the Julie/Julia movie..i know crazy right? lol My title was inspired by a book i read in H.S called "Go Ask Alice" its a diary of  a teenage girl who gets wrapped up in a life of drugs and sex. The diary is not written by someone named Alice it actually has an anonymous author but is a true story. I was so inspired by this book it really changed my life and this girl reminded me so much of myself. So here it goes everyday just a little piece of me..all of my struggles, pain, happiness, accomplishments, failures, a little piece to add to the whole puzzle of who i am, and who i am is not that different from millions of girls my age and younger all around the world. I'm here to share my most insecure thoughts for you because many of them cant, i hope i can help teachers and parents to understand their teenagers better and friends to stand up and help their friends when their in trouble.....my mission is to change the world...but if i only touch 1 person with this blog, that would be my greatest accomplishment.....so stick around...are you ready for the ride???