Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Ex-Cutter wasnt always an Ex....




So Many people look at my screen name and wonder WTF does that mean? That looks like a sick name blah blah.....Well i thought it was about time i explained that name to you guys. So i had never heard of people cutting themselves before Freshman year of H.S. I had made a friend her name was Lauren and she was quirky and funny and incredibly sensitive i loved her. Most of my friends were friends with her as well. Now Lauren always wore the school sweater in the fall..winter..spring and summer, and we use to ask her damn girl u not hot? and shed always say no. So one day as we're sitting at our lunch table, and we're dishing out our boyfriend problems and any other problems having to do with our bodies and I had this awesome friend Gina who was like Momma Gina to us lol and she always had these great answers to make u feel better. So Lauren in the midst of all this says shes been so depressed lately and started cutting herself again...and we thought again? she rolled her sleeve up and we saw these huge scars and we asked her why she was doing this to herself? She said it made her feel better it was a release of some kind....i was going through my own challenges at the time and i secretly thought to myself wow cutting that sounds like a good idea. So one day in the midst of being pissed off and depressed i went and grabbed a knife from my kitchen and went at my arm like a butcher goes at a cows foot. and when i was done i looked at arm with cuts all over and blood seeping out of them, and i felt relieved...was this the feeling Lauren was talking about? If it was i wanted it again and again and again......So i reveal to my friends what im doing and they were shocked they told me to stop and not do it again...Even Lauren cringed at the sight of my healing cuts...i guess it was more painful to see them on someone else rather then urself...i guess seeing it on my arm made it real for her.....So cutting was something rarely or never brought up again....and one day Lauren dissapeared for 2 weeks and came into class one day just to get her work when we all asked her what had happen she said she had try to kill herself and was being home schooled for a while.......i never saw Lauren again.....everyone was shocked.....but why? we had all seen the signs...why didnt any of us say anything to anyone? well i can speak only for myself and say i never went to a teacher or the nurse or our guidance councler and told them hey i think my friend is in trouble.....why were we so afraid of these things??? ........Because society taught us to be afraid and unaccepting of those things they considered "freakish" or "taboo". So i went years cutting myself...as recent as 2017. I would go on and off and then something would make me break and id go for that knife again...needless to say i put my family and the 2 serious boyfriends i had, through hell. I had them on edge..what if i cut too deep? what if someone notices and has me locked up in the looney bin? how much longer will i do this? what will our future kids say when they see mommys arm all caught up? It was a sickness...an addictive sickness...most people run to the bottle or their drug of choice when shit goes down hill i turned to my knife...i cut myself to release anger..hurt..sadness.. insecureness...i wanted to feel the pain physically of the knife cutting through my skin than to feel the emotional hurt....i did get help...professional help which a lot of people dont get...its emabarrasing for them....and it was for me...until i realized i had to stop caring about what everyone else thought and get myself better for ME.....I AM AN EX-CUTTER.......Please Dont stay quiet if you or someone you know is causing themselves physical harm GET HELP.........


http://www.seventeen.com/health/advice/a4533/cutting-resources/

    http://www.sunrisertc.com/contact.php

1 comment:

  1. I know just how you felt. I'm an ex-cutter too. I glad that you're alive and now have a testimony that can help people! If you have Facebook I posted my cutting story on there.

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