Reminiscing on the past....

You know sometimes i have like these sleepless nights where my entire life runs through my head and my mind becomes filled with regrets and what ifs.....im trying to stop thinking about the past and im trying to stop feeling for the past....when i was 15 i met what i thought would be my future husband, crazy right to think i knew what love was at 15?, we were insane for each other absolutely inseparable nobody could tell us anything. We faced obstacles though, his mother not approving of me she felt i distracted him from his studies he was a 22 yr old  pre-med student. And me well i had issues lol yes i have to admit it, my elevator did not reach the top floor if you know what i mean lol, but none the less i adored the man. i made his life somewhat hell as the years went on, it was an emotional roller coaster between him and i, but he still always loved me and i adored him.... and to this date no one has ever treated me as well as he did, but through all my craziness he commited the ultimate betrayal and he had an affair, and left me for her. i was heart broken, i think a part of me still is...and of course like most chicks on the side she try to claim her spot as being the main woman and that she was never the side chick and i was the psycho ex who didnt leave her and her man alone and blah blah and it was over just like that....i never got closure from him 2 yrs together i deserved closure right? After that it was a bunch of meaningless sex with man i didnt even like and i lost myself, i started having sex  "just because" and sex at that time was cool  u were hot shit if you were having sex with ur man...my friends and i gathered to talk about our sexcapades can u imagine 15-17 yr old girls acting like 30 yr old women on sex in the city....it was wrong but no one told us it was...no one told us to stand up for ourselevs and protect our bodies and value our bodies.....instead the more guys we racked up the more praise my friends and i gave eachother...what the hell was i thinking? why werent we saying did u use a condom? are you on birth control? did you really want to have sex? it dosent look cute having so many sexual partners......nope none of that....and where were those friends when someone got pregnant?caught an STD? or got raped?......No where...those same friends who once praised us for our sexual behavior now looked down upon us.....Today as a 21 yr old mature young woman i would never act that way with my friends....because real friends care and real friends do something........they dont let you slowly kill yourself...because slowly you start to feel a little disgusted with urself and u start to hate urself for what u did and it eats and eats and eats at you until eventually someone dies.......