Suicide........

     

     
I recently watched the show "13 Reasons Why", and it hit close to home. I have spoken about self-harm in the past and wanting to end my life, but I don’t think I have ever singled out the topic of "suicide". Suicide is an uncomfortable subject for a lot of people. it’s a hush hush subject that gets swept under the rug way too often. I think that’s because suicide makes people feel guilty or have to take responsibility for their roles they play in a person’s decision to commit suicide. Now suicide is by no means a way out, I repeat suicide is not a way out! 

     Suicide is selfish. I know that may seem harsh, because when I was told that, it hurt. It offended me that someone would say I’m selfish for all the pain I’m in. But that’s not what they meant, they meant ending my life and leaving this world forever is selfish, because someone loves you whether you know it or not someone does love you. And the ripple effect your death will have on all the people in your life can even lead to another death.  

    So, let’s get real now. I was 10 years old when I first attempted suicide. I know young right? Well depression and loneliness doesn't have an age I guess. I had switched from public school to catholic school, and the transfer was hard. I had been in the same school since kindergarten and I had the same friends all the way through. My best friends. So now I was the new girl and you can imagine that kids are not always kind, especially not to the new kid. I was more developed then other girls my age, I had breast, hips and ass already, so compare to the skinny minis I was "fat". Even my 4th grade teacher She was bias against me. It wasn’t until my mom made nice with the principal because she was the store manager of a blinds store in Yonkers and did the blinds for the school as well as the principal’s office and teachers, including my fourth grade teacher. Her tune changed slightly after that. But there certainly were days when I felt alone and missed my old school and my old friends, lunch was weird, I sat quiet most days and just ate my lunch and sometimes I didn’t eat because I was self-conscience. I thought people were watching me and judging me. Of course, now as an adult I realize how silly I was being. I was normal, but again kids are mean. 

    My 6th year was one of my worst school years I had. I think I contemplated suicide the most this year. My teacher literally hated me. I never understood why. But she made me cry every day. My mom knew something was wrong and tried hard to fight for me and get me to tell her what was happening. But I didn’t want to be singled out and I just wanted to fit in so bad. I think that’s when the low self-esteem started. I think that’s the moment I started hating myself. See even teachers don’t know how strong their words can affect us for the rest of our lives. One good thing came out of that year I met a best friend, she was the new girl and her and I instantly clicked because I knew how it was to be the new girl, we had bumps in the road but she always remained a confidant and until this day is still a friend. 7 and 8th grade was normal for me, normal pre-teen drama and boys. But I enjoyed it. I enjoyed house parties and having friends even if it was a select few, but I got invited to the popular kid’s parties so I guess I wasn’t that big of a nobody huh? Well 9th grade came and I loved it, see I had always dreamed of going to Saint Catherine’s since I was a little girl. And the best part was that almost all my friends were going there too. I made friends quickly and it was all girls so no boys to fight over. But there were other issues. See girls are constantly competing against each other. Body image is everything and boys and having a boyfriend is everything. Oh, there were boys, some serious ones too. But I was chasing something to fill me up inside. I was empty and I didn’t have anyone to talk to, and then I met Lauren. Lauren was funny and sweet, but she had a sad soft side to her that no one knew about. She too was hurting and chasing something to fill herself up with. 

    I was 14 when I started cutting my arms and inner thighs. It was a release, because after all I didn’t want to die at that time but I needed something to manage. Then when I was 16 I cut so deep, I couldn’t stop the bleeding and I almost wanted to just sit there and let it bleed out, but then my boyfriend called me and I guess you could say he saved my life. I took so many pills so many times trying to end my life. Different concoctions and I never died, threw up yes. Sick for a few days yes, but I never died or even went to the hospital until Feb 2012 when I finally sought psychiatric help after overdosing on pills. Read the blog "Psychiatric Unit: Females", to get that full story. Suicidal thoughts were present as recent as a month ago. You always want to end it somehow and just be done with it but you either can’t bring yourself to do it or something stops you call it fate or whatever but that’s how it seems to work for me every time. Sad thing is though not everyone has fate interfere with their plan and we lose them forever......Suicide should never be taken lightly no matter how many times a person has said they are going to do it and don’t or try a lame attempt at it. One day they might actually go through with it. Would you want that on your conscience? That you fully knew someone was hurting on the inside and because you didn’t take it serious they killed themselves? Be aware of the people around you and the signs they show us every day that we turn a blind eye to. I know because it happened to me. It’s not easy for  family to see their flaws. For a mother to admit her child is broken and she can’t fix them. It’s hard to understand anyone who wants to take their own life if you haven’t experienced the silence, the loneliness that comes with suicide. 

    Be a better friend, a better significant other, a better parent, a better sibling, a better human being. Step outside of your own selfish issues and problems of your everyday life and try and take a look inside someone else life. You may find yours just isn’t that bad and in helping someone worse than you, you get better too. Suicide is a selfish thing, but selfish people are what lead to it. I know because I know what it feels like to hurt and everyone around you know that you are hurting and they don’t do anything. To them you are being moody or dramatic. But to you, you are battling not taking your own life every day, and it’s a tortuous battle playing out in your head all the time. That’s how you get to the point that you are going to end it. End the voices, the thoughts, the hurt from those around you, the pain, end it all. Not realizing ending it all doesn’t end anything it’s the beginning. The beginning of your legacy of hurt. Your trail you leave behind. The void you create.

So as I bring this blog to an end I think what could I say to someone who is currently thinking about ending their life. Well, I think of what I would have wanted people to say to me. So here it goes: You matter. Your face it lights up someone’s life, even if you don’t know it yet. And you are worthy of love and happiness. Your beautiful and the world is a cruel place but you can make a difference. Your life is valuable and this world can’t do without you. So, please hold on, fight, and look for meaning in life because it’s there and you just have to move all of the bullshit and junk out of the way in order to see the other side clearly. Stay with us. You Matter. 

If you or someone you know is suffering please do not hesitate and GET HELP NOW. There are people willing to listen and be there for you. 

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

http://www.yspp.org/