Nothing but God.......

Throughout my life i have had a battle within myself with Christ...Ive loved him...questioned him..hated him...denied him....but he never gave up on...i always felt him there no matter what i try to do..no matter how much i cussed him because i know i have somewhat of a sailors mouth, if you read my other blogs you will def. see that.......i know its wrong and i have to work on it.....but no matter how i am he never turns his back on me and its been 2 yrs now when i finally decided to stop the back and forth and fully commit myself to him...it was time i gave myself to him completely and let him work through me....singing no longer was just singing it was now using the talent to praise him.....my body was no longer to be used to seduce it was to be respected and saved for my future husband......the energy and passion  once put into anger was now to be used to be a soldier for Christ...and although I'm still struggling with this one...my mouth that once cussed and said unruling things was now to be used to preach the word of God....i was to become a true Christian woman for my Lord and savior.....my step father is a pastor and we began fellowship in our home every Sunday....we still do....every Sunday the cell phones go off...the worries are gone...our mind is clear of facebook and twitter and we give ourselves...all of ourselves to God because he deserves that with everything hes given my family and me........ You see God has been with me through every hardship Ive had to experience so far in my short life.....and although young hes given me wisdom at my 21 yrs of age.... God cant always stop bad from happening because we have free will and we make stupid decisions with our flesh and not our spirit sometimes....but he can certainly save us from our mistakes......Jesus was with me when i was on my bathroom floor having taken a whole bottle of pills and i could have died and he saved me he told me i was beautiful and that he had great things planned for me and it wasnt my time to go...i never even went to the ER the feeling i had of passing out was gone i didnt feel myself slipping away anymore,it was as if i had never taken the pills.....When i was molested and raped he gave me strength to forgive and move on with my life...instead of being depressed in my sorrows of what happen to me i could now be a voice for molested and raped women..........he saved me when i was cutting myself to numb myself and i cut myself too deep one day and instead of bleeding to death, the bleeding stopped when i began to pray.....he saved me from an abusive relationship......the days my ex would hit me and start beating me uncontrollably and i would just cry out to the Lord to save me and keep me alive to help me find a way out of the house and he always did......he saved me the day my sister and i were in a car accident where the car flipped 4x's and i was found with no pulse....i was in pain and there was blood everywhere and all i could do was thank God my sister and i were alive, because we should have been dead according to police and doctors...yet we had not 1 broken bone......God never fails me yet i fail him and i want to be better i want to love him as much as he loves me....because the immense love i feel from God....i pray and hope that every1 one day gets to feel that love....sometimes i just drop down and cry because i am so overwhelmed with the love i feel from our Lord.......Gods love is so unconditional and so beautiful that i can only hope to love as he does....he loves us so much he gave up his one and only son for our sins....could you sacrifice your son or daughter to save another from their sins???............i want to better myself for Jesus, so i can bless other people in their lives with my words and continue to receive my blessings from God.....People call good things luck..coincidence...fate....i just say....... Its Nothing but God............. God Bless You All...............

Friends.....Do They really exist?????

My mom always told me to be careful who i befriend...she said she had so many "friends" who were never really there when it counted......i didn't believe her...i thought friends were everything...friends were ur family away from the real family u were dealt....as i got older i slowly began to see what it was my mom spoke about....little incidents occurred that you would think would have made me want to push friends away instead i yearned for friends it was a necessity to have friends..i thought it was just one bad friend another good one will come along right?........i was wrong.......i had drama beyond drama through middle school and some of those "friends" came to high school with me and it was the same bullshit.......i will not be an innocent and say i didn't have my share of drama because the Lord knows i did...i talked shit about people just as much the next girl....i had a temper i flew off the handle for no reason...yes i can admit all of this now as an adult and a christian woman...But at the time  was just like everyone i was never wrong and no one could tell me anything......i had friends backstabbing me on a regular basis....i had friends who if saw me getting jumped wouldn't jump in for me.....friends who the minute they found out i wasn't a virgin assumed i was a slut doing every tom, dick and harry and therefore couldnt be associated with me.....friends who found out i wasnt as rich as them and felt they were too good for me....friends who the min i put weight on i became to fat for them to hang out with.....friends who found out i was friends wit sum1 they didnt like so i was cut off.......i mean and notice as i say all of these things i say "friends" these people were not my friends...they never were...and suddenly my moms words came creeping into my head...."theres no such thing as a friend" and it was starting to become apparent.....when i was kicked out of catholic school and had to go to Christopher Columbus....so many people that claimed to be my friends shut me out...i was a public school girl now therefore i was not in the circle anymore.....i have about 8 friends that until this day look for me and still speak to me....and they know who they are.....i went through some hard times and i would go through my phone looking for someone to call anyone someone and either i got voice mail or i knew i would never call them...like why did i even have their name in my phone book?? why was i looking for these people on facebook? they didnt look for me?....and now that we're friends they still dont talk to me so why the hell do i have them on my friends????  is this a friend contest......do people just want to see where people have gone in life? r they losers or successful? i know sometimes thats all i look for sometimes.........it was a perfect example when my bday came around.....the people who wished me a happy bday and the people that didnt....the ones that  said happy bday to when it was their day....and then last night i through a party at a club for my 21st bday and so many people i once thought id spend my 21st with didnt even show up...or didnt even bother saying why they didnt show up....yet these are my "friends" Some had legit reasons for not being there and that was cool....but others? the ones that didnt even care enough to call or text me a lie?....Last night i had an epiphany....as i was dancing and having fun with those who did show up it was a realization of who really mattered and that facebook....myspace....aim...twitter and any other stupid social website dosent define "how many friends" you have.....the ones who show up when it matters....now those r ur friends......the friends u dont see for a yr but come just that 1 day u really needed them.....the friends u never speak to u but r the phonecall that makes u feel better when ur down and out......the friend that u never hang out with but take u in when u have no where else to go.......thats a friend......question is am i a REAL friend and ARE YOU????????????????

Putting Back the Pieces of My Heart..............

So its one of those nights where my head is in 50 million diff places and i cant sleep....so as i lay in my bed staring up at the glowing stars on my ceiling....thoughts start to flutter into my mind....the past comes up the present and the future.....my deepest fears sneak up on me..my deepest insecurities....and everything i dont want happening in the nite when im trying to sleep start happening.....you see im about to start a whole new life in an entirely diff state and its exciting but scary...and im happy but sad......ontop of all of that i met a great guy and hes in florida...but as always im slowly letting my insecurities get the best of me and im starting to doubt what we have, just because im scared of what ive never had before...im scared of the love he offers.....he offeres it to me in such a large amount...soo genuine...soo full of affection....soo honest...and one part of me of me says wow u deserve this after all of the shit youve been through but the other part says ur too damaged you dont deserve this love....im at a constant battle with myself everyday...and he will never understand....he just wants me to put my fist down and let him near my heart....its so hard for me.....he accepts all of me everything that i am every flaw n whatever else i throw at him...im simply beautiful to him...... that feeling right there ladies and gentleman is something every human being should experience....and i have it now right infront of me.....only sweet words come out of his mouth to me....and he makes promises i want to believe inside....but what happens if i give him all of me?..........the question i ask myself every night is should i let him in or not?.....but u see the funny part is he already got in=) he came bulldozing my wall down and took my heart...he has it...its his now....it beats tenderly in the palm of his hands....i hope he protects it...because truth is i dont think i could survive another heart ache.....ive been so strong until now.....i think if this didnt work out...he will just have to stay with my heart, because i wont want it back and  i'll just be one heartless bitch......