Breaking The Silence on Molestation.......

You know although many different races go through molestation it is most common in hispanic and african american families......molestation is known all to well in my family.....you see it started with my grandmmother, she was the victim of molestation and rape...back in those days we had a lot of family members arriving from puertorico and they would always stay with my great grandparents cuz i guess thats the way they did things the first to arrive hosted the others until they on our feet, i gues some cultures still do that...so my grandmother was the oldest of her siblings, my grandmother was so beautiful when she was younger and she still is=).... they would have these grown men sleeping right next to her and my aunt...never thinking twice about it....and my grandmother was molested and raped......she had known my grandfather her entire life and when she was 16 she married him to escape everything she was going through....i can def relate, running away with a man to escape home problems? yea not always the best thing.....because when you do that the men feel like they have control over you...like you cant live without them because they are all you have.....so we are about 40 years later and Both of my sisters were molested, but thats their story to tell.......mine is im 7 yrs old....we were sent to PR every summer....It was a nice experience except for one thing.....I had an older cousin ...he started playing "house" with my cousin and i......so we start playing house regularly and then he would start kissing us and asking us to do things to him or with each other.....i was only 7 but i was pretty sure that this was worng i just had that feeling....and one day when my cousin and i try to run away from the shed in the back of the house that we would play in, and tell my grandparents he pulled out a machete and put it to our faces and said if we ever told anyone he would slice our pretty little faces...so we were scared and kept it inside....we got back from PR and nothing was said...we continued to play"house" and the next yr we retuned to PR and it was the same thing...and it continued when we came back..my cousin and i always too scared to say anything.....2 years had gone by and the molestation was still going on...and it was getting worse......so im sitting in the doctors office with my mom one day and i had seen a movie that was a similiar situation like mine and when they went to the doctor the doctor could tell the little girl had been touched, so i started freaking out....and right there in the doctors off i just came out and said it to my mom.....and  her mouth dropped she couldnt believe what was coming outta my mouth....she said dont worry we will handle this when we get home(my grandmothers house) and not to say anything to the doctor(she could have had an ACS case)....so its a long and silent drive home...my mom had called my grandmother on the phone already so the minute we got there my cousin and i were called into her bedroom....we were asked some questions and then my male cousin was called in and he got beat and then was told never to do it again because if not they  would have to tell my grandfather.......so its done and we all leave the room....my cousin and i were kind of relived for that moment.....so a couple of weeks go by and then he struck again..the way any predator does....and i went to tell my grandmother and she told me to start wearing shorts and that she will tell him something....so i start wearing shorts and then he touches me again....i go and tell my grandmother and she tells me to start wrapping the sheets around me really tight and again i do that and  he just wouldnt stop!....one day he gave up on me and then went to my cousin..she started screaming at the top of her lungs and it just so happen that my uncle was there and he woke up and saw everything he pinned him up on the wall and told him if he ever did that shit again he was going to beat the shit out of him.......he layed low for a couple nights before coming after me again.....the next night he went to touch me again i kicked him in his face and told him if ever touched me again i would fucking kill him and i meant it.....  he never did again...a year later he was shipped off to his mom and the family still dealt with him for holidays and stuff but he never touched me again.....the sad part is he was so mentally sick at that time and he had gone through his own share of abuse, then did so many drugs that he dosent even remember the shit he did and he would hug and kiss me like nothing had ever happen........over the years i came to forgive him...I feel sorry for him that he never got help...that no one ever saw his pain and suffering and helped him.......and i know many people go their entire lives not finding that closure....but i have i refuse to let him have any power over my life.......And i Love him dearly today, he is my family and i forgave him a long time ago.......when Jesus was dien on the cross he said "Father forgive them for they know not what they do"......so thats how i feel about it....no point in holding onto that hurt...i will never be able to forget it but i can let it go and show other women or men who had the same experience as me, thats ok to talk about...its ok to let go and let the world know what happen....i did it and i feel soo much better and im an advocate for helping kids dealing with molestation....I'm breaking the silence on molestation............................If you or someone you know is being molested or raped please contact:

 http://www.way2hope.org/signs_of_child_molestation.htm 

http://www.rainn.org/

http://helpguide.org/mental/child_abuse_physical_emotional_sexual_neglect.htm

To get help or report abuse, call theChildhelp National Child Abuse Hotlineat 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).

A little blessing from God........

So i had another blog planned for tonight but i figured due to the occasion i should write this one.....It was always just me and my sister sarah. I was always the baby and i loved it and i did not plan on having anyone else come and take my place lol...so when i was 8 yrs my step dad and my mom split...and it hit my sis and i real hard because he had raised us, and at that time we were too young to understand why our dad wasnt in our life anymore..but thats a whole other blog in itself......so over the next couple of months my mom had become very paranoid about her stomach..my sister and i could no longer play with her or jump ontop of her...and my sister and i were confused but at the same time we didnt understand it either....So its 9:30pm on january 20th, i still remember like if it was yesterday...at that time we all lived with my grandmother and so my sister and i and my 2 cousins were laying down, because it was a school day...and all of sudden my mom is dressed with her coat and so r my grandparents...and they told us we were staying with our uncle and they will back soon...now somehow someway i dont know how my sister and i knew my mom was on her way to have baby, we didnt have a clue before that moment..cant explain it... we just knew....So the minute the front door closed we had our heads down praying for my mom and my sister prayed for a baby brother and i wanted a baby sister lol....so with our prayers into God we feel asleep...and my grandma woke us up about 7:30am and she had breakfast made and she was ironing our clothse for school and we all woke up throwing questions at her and she calmy stopped ironing and said "girls mommy had a baby last night and its a boy"...we started screaming! it was really crazy and my grandmother says ok calm down and get ready....we rushed to get to school and tell everyone about our new little baby that had arrived.....our teachers were just as surprised as we were because they wondered when was their mom pregnant? if they only knew we didnt know either! lol so my grandparents picked us up from school and took us the hospital to see our new baby brother....we arrived saw our mom and we had a million questions for her and she said shed explain later and go see the baby.....we rushed down to the nursery to see this little bundle of joy...he  was soo cute and sooo quiet..he had the cutest little duck lips and we fell inlove with him right then and there....his name was Angel Christopher Gonzalez......a couple of days went by and it was time for our little prince to arrive...so my mom comes walking down the hall with this little person in the most adorable bear outfit and we had all of our neighbors in our house waiting his arrival....we ran down the hall to greet him and we were inseparable ever since then.....as our little angel grew up he spent a lot of time with my sister and i because my mom had to work a lot...he was like my son i took him everywhere with me.... i was 10 with a stroller and a 2 yr old and i felt like i had to protect him to the max he was my heart..he was my new reason for living and if nething ever happen to him i simply could not live....the three of us till this daty are the 3 closet siblings ive ever known...we have eachothers back like no 2morrow.....most 13 yr old boys are closed off and dont really tell adults anything....not my lil man...he tells my sister and i everything even if he knows im going to rip him a new one lol......so today January 21st 2011 he turned 13 and i cried because i thought back to that very moment of him arriving in his little bear outfit......He has been my rock through so many struggles in my life...when i felt like giving up on life his face was what would come into mind and i would think what it would do to him and who would be his body guard like me? i couldnt hurt him like that and i couldnt die and not be with im and miss out on his baseball games....basketball games...graduations...girlfriends....im so proud to be his sister even through the puberty lol the mood swings and the discovery of hair in certain places lol.....im his personal cheerleader always on the sideline smiling at my angel....you see we named him angel...and its because thats exactly what he was when he came into our lives...he dosent even know how he saved each and every one of our lives the minute he was born......but he did........Happy Birthday I love you Angel always and forever..................

CHERISH YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS THEY ARE YOUR BLOOD AND WILL BE THE ONES TO HAVE YOUR BACK WHEN OUR SO CALLED "FRIENDS" DONT...........

My lil bro when he was 4 years old

My bro now at 13 yrs old=)

Ex-Cutter wasnt always an Ex....

So Many people look at my screen name and wonder WTF does that mean? That looks like a sick name blah blah.....Well i thought it was about time i explained that name to you guys. So i had never heard of people cutting themselves before Freshman year of H.S. I had made a friend her name was Lauren and she was quirky and funny and incredibly sensitive i loved her. Most of my friends were friends with her as well. Now Lauren always wore the school sweater in the fall..winter..spring and summer, and we use to ask her damn girl u not hot? and shed always say no. So one day as we're sitting at our lunch table, and we're dishing out our boyfriend problems and any other problems having to do with our bodies and I had this awesome friend Gina who was like Momma Gina to us lol and she always had these great answers to make u feel better. So Lauren in the midst of all this says shes been so depressed lately and started cutting herself again...and we thought again? she rolled her sleeve up and we saw these huge scars and we asked her why she was doing this to herself? She said it made her feel better it was a release of some kind....i was going through my own challenges at the time and i secretly thought to myself wow cutting that sounds like a good idea. So one day in the midst of being pissed off and depressed i went and grabbed a knife from my kitchen and went at my arm like a butcher goes at a cows foot. and when i was done i looked at arm with cuts all over and blood seeping out of them, and i felt relieved...was this the feeling Lauren was talking about? If it was i wanted it again and again and again......So i reveal to my friends what im doing and they were shocked they told me to stop and not do it again...Even Lauren cringed at the sight of my healing cuts...i guess it was more painful to see them on someone else rather then urself...i guess seeing it on my arm made it real for her.....So cutting was something rarely or never brought up again....and one day Lauren dissapeared for 2 weeks and came into class one day just to get her work when we all asked her what had happen she said she had try to kill herself and was being home schooled for a while.......i never saw Lauren again.....everyone was shocked.....but why? we had all seen the signs...why didnt any of us say anything to anyone? well i can speak only for myself and say i never went to a teacher or the nurse or our guidance councler and told them hey i think my friend is in trouble.....why were we so afraid of these things??? ........Because society taught us to be afraid and unaccepting of those things they considered "freakish" or "taboo". So i went years cutting myself...as recent as 2017. I would go on and off and then something would make me break and id go for that knife again...needless to say i put my family and the 2 serious boyfriends i had, through hell. I had them on edge..what if i cut too deep? what if someone notices and has me locked up in the looney bin? how much longer will i do this? what will our future kids say when they see mommys arm all caught up? It was a sickness...an addictive sickness...most people run to the bottle or their drug of choice when shit goes down hill i turned to my knife...i cut myself to release anger..hurt..sadness.. insecureness...i wanted to feel the pain physically of the knife cutting through my skin than to feel the emotional hurt....i did get help...professional help which a lot of people dont get...its emabarrasing for them....and it was for me...until i realized i had to stop caring about what everyone else thought and get myself better for ME.....I AM AN EX-CUTTER.......Please Dont stay quiet if you or someone you know is causing themselves physical harm GET HELP.........


http://www.seventeen.com/health/advice/a4533/cutting-resources/

    http://www.sunrisertc.com/contact.php

" He hits me Because he Loves me".......

As i child i had seen my grandmother be hit my grandfather twice, i loved my grandfather to death and i didnt understand why he did what he did, but i was 4 so i wouldn't understand. As i got older and understood what alcohol was and what it made people do than i started to understand. As i was growing up i always said id be damned if any man was going to hit me, or ever put his hands on me, hell i had watched enough lifetime movies to know the signs and i was that chick screaming at the TV "you stupid i would have been left" yes that was me and calling every chick that went through that an idiot....until Jonathan....you see i couldnt have met him at a more vulnerable time in my life. I was alone i was starting college, i was still heartbroken a yr later after my ex broke up with me....just a mixture of things....so here i am 18 yrs old and i meet what i think is this put all together man Ive always wanted. He was 32yrs old and he had a job, a car, and an apt. He was 6'5 250lb, dark hair, light eyes white with tats all over. I fell hard. the 1st day we met we were in love yep 1st day so if you dont believe in love at first sight believe it! He accepted me for all my flaws and more everything i offered he wanted it good and bad. i mean he had some baggage himself. he had 2 kids and the drama of an ex wife. but none the less i loved him i moved in with him within 2 1/2 months of dating and i was playing house for a while. I took care of his kids every weekend and i loved them as if they were my own and Lord knows it wasnt easy when their mom kept poisoning their mind. We had been together for 6 months when the rest of our relationship was about to shape its self. I had seen the jealous side of him already and it wasnt cute, but apart of me liked it...it turned me on to think he must love me sooo much to get that jealous over me...So im on the phone with a friend of mine asking hims some questions about going to the Aids walk New York, which i had helped organize every year. The conversation lasted all about 5 min. and the girls were over but they were in their room with the door closed watching a movie and he was in our bedroom, he came storming out of our bedroom into the living room and demanded to know who i was speaking to i told him and he wanted my phone he grabbed it out of my hand and the next thing i know we're in the kitchen and hes got me choked up on the fridge and then he throws me down to the ground, breaking my chain and at that very moment his kids come out of their room and coming running to ask me if im ok, i wasnt, but for their sake i said i was fine.....the next incident occurred in the car on a simple trip to walmart and he was upset at the walmart i chose and punched me in the car and pinched my skin so hard i started to bleed..then we went inside walmart and he didnt like a skirt i picked out so he screams at me in the middle of walmart and literally silenced the walmart shoppers...so after that it was ALOT of verbal abuse and then one night that i thought was turning out to be a pretty normal night...we were laying in bed watching a movie and my phone kept buzzing, it was an old male friend hitting me up on aim, And he flipped he threw a glass and broke it and then when i try to leave the room he grabbed me and slammed me into the corner part of the desk, and we all know how it feels if ur back hits something pointy.....i was screaming in pain....and then he threw me on the bed and started choking me and asking me if i was cheating on him...i kicked him off and try to run for the phone he smacked me and took my phone and tossed it in the toilet, while he was doing that i ran outside in the middle of the street barefooted and screamed for help...nobody helped me...he dragged me all the way back inside and slammed me around a lil more, until finally foricng me to have sex and than he thought he could go to sleep without me going anywhere....and again here is where God comes in because i got my phone out of the toilet and i was blowing on that thing like no tomorrow and it somehow turned on the screen was blank but i knew my mom's number and i dialed it and when she picked up all i could let out were cries and i finally calmed down and told her what happen and her, my stepdad, and sister came in blazing and dad beat the living daylights out of him i mean broken ribs broken eye socket the whole nine yards...so i left with my family and yes people like an idiot i returned to him within days..satisfied that he got what he got yet feeling the need to care for him...it took a while but i got my family and him to finally speak and being the Christian family that we are everyone decided to forgive him but they made sure to not forget....so about 4 months go by with him behaving himself so to speak and then the verbal abuse starts and then shoving here and there and a lil choking until the big boom...the moment i knew it was my life or him taking it....So his crazy ex was really starting to get in between our relationship as if the abuse wasnt enough....and at this point we are a yr and half together and engaged...so we were arguing about his ex wife and i said i dont think we should be together anymore and got up to leave and walk into our bedroom and again the girls are over and he comes storming into the next room and hits me in my head and knocks me on the bed...he has his knee in my back and is trying to take the ring off of my finger..and im like no stop it the girls are upstairs and hes shoving my face down so hard my mouth is bleeding i get him off of him he punches me in my stomach and im down and hes choking me and im going light headed...i somehow manage to get him off of me and i pushed him onto the flr and i ran down the steps of my house so fast that until this day i tell you an angel carried me down those steps and i screamed for my neighbor and he came running just as Jonathan was grabbing me by my hair and dragging me back into the apartment...he pushed him off of me and pulled me inside his house and then called the cops and the neighbors next door had called the cops as well...so we had 2 cop cars and 1 state trooper car show up(we lived upstate)...i was all bloody and had hand prints all over me....he was taken upstairs to be questioned and i was kept downstairs.....it was a miracle his kids had slept through everything i was thankful because i wouldnt have wanted them to see any of it and the cops wanted me to press charges and i soooo wanted to but you see i had to think about those 2 lil girls and he was on probation already(yea i know how to pickem) and so i didnt...yes people i didnt...we slept in diff. rooms and within the next week i left in the middle of the night with what i could carry and on a train....people say well thank God you made it out alive, but did i? i was scarred for life ......i thought he was going to kill me...and i use to justify it with...he loves me thats why he does it cuz he loves me sooo much and he would even say that....and i thought i'll never find anyone who loves me as much he does....but if that was love did i really want it??? Ladies lets not be so quick to judge another woman try and put urself in her shoes...like me.............Please dont be silent like so many people were about me when the heard what was happening to me and did nothing

.If you or anyone you know is experiencing domestic violence male or female please visit any of the following help sources :
www.Women-In-Need.org or call
1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.
http://www.thehotline.org/
 or contact your local authority.

Fat Girl.....

OK so since the beginning of time being fat has been like having leprosy i swear....I have always been the chunky girl you know....but i never really had issues through school i was pretty popular until i had to go to Catholic school in the 4th grade..my mom thought itd be a "better education for my sister and i"....so we go and im the odd new girl i went from being OD  popular to OD nobody....so i had this teacher who didnt like me because i was fat...Ms. Fucking Solano...i tried everything for the woman to like me and she just wouldnt budge..so whatever i was the new fat girl that no one spoke to...i was wayyyy more developed than most 9 yrs olds i had breast already and i was going through some hormonal changes..i got my period at 9 and i hadnt quite  discovered deodorant yet lol so needless to stay it was not a good start....but through the yr i try to make friends i had some really nice people approach me and talk to me and then 5th grade came...i had a teacher that finally liked me Mr. Crimens and things were starting to look up i had my lil circle of friends and i was branching out...still 2 yrs in a row had by and no student of the week...so 6th grade comes OMG what an effin nightmare i seriously had thoughts of bitch slapping her.....Bitch made my life a living hell she simple did not like me for whatever reason...she didnt like any of the fat kids meanwhile she was Morbidly Obese..her favorites were the skinny minis of the class...so i make it out of that year alive..barely...and im in 7th grade..my mom becomes class mom for the 1st time and she just so happens to work in a blinds store and donated free blinds to the entire preschool and then just like that the principal loved me...the teachers from yonkers including that bitch Ms. Solano, started liking me and my fav. teacher Mrs. O'neil loved me and finally i got student of the week people! i was so happy i went home and freakin cried that night....so 7th grade was pretty awesome i had a nice set of friends and 8th grade came around and it was a breeze for the most part...their were certain individuals that TRIED to make my life hell i even had the momz of one dude TRYING to make my life a living hell...but in the end i made it through that God Forsaken school alive! It was a bittersweet moment for myself and most of my friends...some of us had become so close we didnt know when we'd see eachother again...i say if i never spoke to ne1 from 7th or 8th grade again id still have the memory of our friendships and the laughs we all had...trying to remove myself from the fat girl image was hard and i thank God i never had someone like try to bully me cuz i wouldve fucked them up hands down lol but the looks and the whispers throughout the yrs get to u...asking ur skinny friend where she got those pants from and she says Victoria secret and u think to urself "yea i guess i aint gettin those" that def stays with you....i guess as you get older you get this i don tgive a shit attitude and you shrug it off...but no matter how insecure or how confident you may be those words FAT GIRL...will always pierce you like a sword......

He said "Are you a Carpet Muncher"?

Any person who has actually had a life can you tell you they have had their share of drama....so let me share my bits of drama with you.....so freshman year of highschool i went to an all girls catholic school....many of my friends from my middle school were there so i was comfortable i had my bitchez with me so to speak....i must say freshman year of H.S was awesome i really did love it i had so much fun i made sooo many new friends aside from my old friends..i loved my teachers i mean me and my girls just had a lot of fun....but through all of that fun there was drama..there was the he said she said bullshit there was the you took or are talking to my man bullshit and there was the i heard you were you talking shit about me bullshit......there was the everyone was bisexual for a while bullshit.......and anyone reading this post who went to school with me knows that this always ended in the guidance counclers room lol...that didnt do shit it just removed the problem from the school to the streets...and let me tell you teenage girls can be sooo  vicious i mean we were some mean bitches lol....making girls cry and not even caring...just judging judging judging...and who the hell were we? nobody.....so freshman year was over and i did really well academic wise and then the shock of my life...the changing point in my life.....my mom couldnt afford the tuition anymore...and it came down to take my lil bro out of school or me? and of course i knew my lil bro couldnt handle public school hes not a hard ass like me..so it was me that had to be removed....and where do i go? God forsaken Christopher Columbus oh wait im sorry it was a little school inside of there called pelham prep as if that made a difference:/ .....so its my first day of school i reeeeaallly dont want to be here but whatever my first class of the day is English im the shit in English so it was no biggy and i had this cute kid flirt with me the whole class lol then it was math with the dumbest teacher to have ever lived and i go and sit all the way in the back to not be bothered and of course he has to say lets welcome our new student Samantha....i was like really? so he starts asking me all sorts of questions about where i came from and that was all it took was me to say Saint Catharines and everyone knew that was the all girls school up the block and so this idiot kid,Kenneth, i'll never 4get, walks up to me and says so are a carpetmuncher? and i was like exuse me? and hes like u know you eat pussy...i was like get the fuck out of my face and he was like no answer my question and he puts his hand on my face and i took my notebook and smacked him with him and pushed him and i couldve really fucked him up but the teacher broke it up and i was sitting in the principal's office.....Great 1st day of public school huh?

Reminiscing on the past....

You know sometimes i have like these sleepless nights where my entire life runs through my head and my mind becomes filled with regrets and what ifs.....im trying to stop thinking about the past and im trying to stop feeling for the past....when i was 15 i met what i thought would be my future husband, crazy right to think i knew what love was at 15?, we were insane for each other absolutely inseparable nobody could tell us anything. We faced obstacles though, his mother not approving of me she felt i distracted him from his studies he was a 22 yr old  pre-med student. And me well i had issues lol yes i have to admit it, my elevator did not reach the top floor if you know what i mean lol, but none the less i adored the man. i made his life somewhat hell as the years went on, it was an emotional roller coaster between him and i, but he still always loved me and i adored him.... and to this date no one has ever treated me as well as he did, but through all my craziness he commited the ultimate betrayal and he had an affair, and left me for her. i was heart broken, i think a part of me still is...and of course like most chicks on the side she try to claim her spot as being the main woman and that she was never the side chick and i was the psycho ex who didnt leave her and her man alone and blah blah and it was over just like that....i never got closure from him 2 yrs together i deserved closure right? After that it was a bunch of meaningless sex with man i didnt even like and i lost myself, i started having sex  "just because" and sex at that time was cool  u were hot shit if you were having sex with ur man...my friends and i gathered to talk about our sexcapades can u imagine 15-17 yr old girls acting like 30 yr old women on sex in the city....it was wrong but no one told us it was...no one told us to stand up for ourselevs and protect our bodies and value our bodies.....instead the more guys we racked up the more praise my friends and i gave eachother...what the hell was i thinking? why werent we saying did u use a condom? are you on birth control? did you really want to have sex? it dosent look cute having so many sexual partners......nope none of that....and where were those friends when someone got pregnant?caught an STD? or got raped?......No where...those same friends who once praised us for our sexual behavior now looked down upon us.....Today as a 21 yr old mature young woman i would never act that way with my friends....because real friends care and real friends do something........they dont let you slowly kill yourself...because slowly you start to feel a little disgusted with urself and u start to hate urself for what u did and it eats and eats and eats at you until eventually someone dies.......

The Day That Changed my Life......

So story of my life my biological father has been in prison since i was a baby. And my entire life has been knowing him behind a prison wall. When my sister and i turned 18 we took it upon ourselves to start going to visit him  ourselves. I wasn't really sure for what though. i mean to have asthma attacks every time i had to leave him because id start crying so much i couldn't breath? yes this was my relationship with my father. When on November 12, 2010 my sister and i decided to go take a road trip damn near to Canada from the bronx, ny to see him. We rented a car..we packed food and clothes to stay the weekend in a motel i mean we had it all down-pack....and we got there and we had a wonderful 2 days with him. The time had come as always to part ways and i did it surprisingly not as emotional as my entire life...It was done my sister and i had accomplished a successful road trip with pictures and videos to last us a lifetime! I was driving first and i drove the 1st 4 hours before i got sleepy and we switched drivers at a gas station....you know when i think back on that moment i remember this really friendly girl at the register who thought we were cool for taking the road trip and she told us good luck and drive safely home...those words were never needed as much as i thought they were until about an hour later.....So my sister is driving... the music is blasted and i recline my seat back to take a snooze i called my mom to let her know we were 3 hrs away and she was happy and was cooking our favorite meal we said our good byes and i closed my eyes....now stupid me i had forgotten to put my seat belt on when we left the gas station, and my eyes are closed and my seat is reclined with no seat belt and just like that, i heard a whisper i knew it wasn't my sister and i didn't understand it at first and then there it was "Put your seatbelt on" i was confused and i thought i was crazy but just like that i put my seatbelt on and went back to sleep....my body started swerving and it immediately woke me up and there i wake up to what i thought was going to be the last time i wake up....we swerved back and forth and BOOM we hit a ditch head o and started tumbling 1...2...3..4...and then the silence only lasted a second before the screams of fear and agony came out of me and my sister....We were hanging upside down and the pain from the seatbelt cutting into our muscles was horrible my sister was held by both straps the one across her chest and the one across her lap however, since i had been reclined, the strap across my leg was the only thing holding me so my upper body twisted every which way and hit anything and everything it could....my face took 2 tremendous blows to the dashboard.......We released ourselves and i fell flat and couldnt move i thought i was paralyzed...my arm was twisted in a way it was suppose to twist my face was covered with so much blood i was unrecognizable and ribs bruised making it hard to breath....i remember holding my sisters hand when a man behind us who witnessed everything came running and he turns out to be a volunteer paramedic??? Coincidence i think not its called GOD.....so my sister crawls out of the car and im passed out...i had lost so much blood so quickly i just passed out my body shut down and the ambulance arrived and couldnt find a pulse...i remember being like in a far place u know where everything sounds like an echo and in the distance..that was what i felt like and then i opened my eyes to see this kind faced woman calling my name and telling me to stay with her that im going to be ok...but i just wanted my sister and i demanded to know where she was in all of the little i could speak my face was so banged up i couldnt even talk.....in the ambulance i went in and out of consciousness i dont remember a lot i remember the male paramedic telling me to stay with him and them having to suction the blood out of my throat because i was choking on it....as we arrived at the hospital my pressure began to drop and they rushed me in suddenly i had 2 doctors and 4 nurses working on me it was like a movie was being played infront of me or a soap opera i just couldnt believe it...was this really happening to me???? After everything and my parents arrived they wanted me closer to home so they decided to take me back to the bronx and i went to the ER there...i was x-rayed..given shots and then sent home...all i can do is heal now, thats what they told me, so i went home and i healed as best as i could taking it day by day...and im changed..God saved me he spared my sisters life and mine. When a realization like happens you are never the same...........

He Has Never Left me........

I have gone through soooo much in my short life span, sometimes it amazes me. But through it all i have had a tremendous faith in God. At times i steered away from him this is true, but he has always someway somehow let me know he is near and that he would never turn his back on me. For those who know me closely, you know i have dealt with depression for many years, i have fought through it and had great days and at times its overcome me and bought me down to my lowest. Up until a couple of years ago, depression was unheard of i mean what is it and where does it come from? when i was 12/13 there was no special kind of help for girls my age, we were just too young to have problems....Boy was society highly mistaken! First of all although i love my internet dearly, when AOL hit the world in the mid 1990's, it opened up the world to more crime than they couldve  imagined. If pedophiles werent a problem before the net, they were about to be. Old men were posing as young boys for young innocent girls, and girls were starting to be killed,raped and kidnapped....it was crazy...and i was amongst it all.....Youd think after the first story posted of a 13yr old girl being killed by a man off the net that would stop me but it didnt...it did hit me tho i never knew this girl but i somehow felt connected with her i even cut her pic out of the newspaper and carried it for years, at the time i was 11....i could never forget her name Christina Long....i kept thinking that could have been me..talking to all of these men online telling them im 16 and i was 11, 12, 13....now and days girls bodies are maturing so much faster, so it wasnt hard to play the part. At that time Yahoo had chatrooms created by members and i guess it wasnt monitored because there were chat rooms that would specify "old man for youg girl" and at taht age we're not int othe boys our age because they just arent mature enough and here comes this older man that makes u feel special that makes u feel like its ok that ur 13 and have breast and have curves, and we fall into that and men know this....Christina Long was the first known internet related murder and it only got worse from there.......

The beggining.....

Hey guys! Ok so i decided to start a blog after watching the Julie/Julia movie..i know crazy right? lol My title was inspired by a book i read in H.S called "Go Ask Alice" its a diary of  a teenage girl who gets wrapped up in a life of drugs and sex. The diary is not written by someone named Alice it actually has an anonymous author but is a true story. I was so inspired by this book it really changed my life and this girl reminded me so much of myself. So here it goes everyday just a little piece of me..all of my struggles, pain, happiness, accomplishments, failures, a little piece to add to the whole puzzle of who i am, and who i am is not that different from millions of girls my age and younger all around the world. I'm here to share my most insecure thoughts for you because many of them cant, i hope i can help teachers and parents to understand their teenagers better and friends to stand up and help their friends when their in trouble.....my mission is to change the world...but if i only touch 1 person with this blog, that would be my greatest accomplishment.....so stick around...are you ready for the ride???