Its November 15, 2011, 4:10 pm and my mom calls my sister and i from New York and tells us to go talk to our step father, he has a certain look on that worries us. He tells us that tomorrow at 1pm they are going to pull the machine on my grandmother, who has been hospitalized for the past 2 weeks. A routine check up turned into a stay in the hospital. My heart sinks, and its just unbearable to imagine...i go about my day as if nothing happen and i barely make it through work.....the next day its November 16th 2011, and I cant even think of anything but 1pm 1 pm 1pm......its terrible to know the time a loved one is going to die and theres nothing u can do about it, id rather get a phone call and have someone tell me thats it they've died. I had physical therapy that day and they knew what was going to happen, so they let me leave a little early and i went to Wendys, with ex bf at the time for some lunch at 12:46pm, my step father comes to pick us up at Wendy's its 1:17pm, i hadnt been looking at the time, i just didnt want to know, and then i get into the car and hear it.............she died. I couldnt believe it, i was shocked for a moment and then tears and tears just ran down my face, my first lost in my 21 years of life, i hadnt lost anyone close to me and now i did. My Abuela, the head of the family, my Great Grandmother...gone.....My little brother is still at school at this point and im dreading the time for him to come home....he'll be home at 3:30pm, hes going home to heart break.......its all so surreal....Im trying to look at the positives, shes with her baby son now, shes no longer suffering.....those are all plusses but the minus is shes no longer with us.......at Physical therapy i sat for a while with my eyes closed, i felt her come say good-bye to me, she looked good, i wish i couldve been there, i hated that i was all the way in florida and couldnt say good-bye. And the way things were looking, i wasnt going to be able to make it to her funeral, knowing that cut deep down inside of me, will i ever forgive myself? will i be ok?.............it made me so angry....so angry.......i eventually had to get over the fact that i had to say good-bye to her in my own time, i had to chuck it up and deal wit my emotions by myself.......Its that time now, where my brother walks in, hes happy, going about his normal day, and i have to go and break his heart.........so i go and tell him and b4 i could speak he knew, we both cried and cried, he fell to the ground....it was sooooo painful.......my sister found out through an idiot cousin on Facebook, because like a dumass she posted rip Grandma, not checking to make sure everyone knew......so that made me even more mad.......i cried and cried cried until my eyes were dried up and swollen, i took a week off of work and the day before thanksgiving i had to return to work........my siblings and i try to pull 2gether what ever kind of thanksgiving that we could, my sister and i cooked and it was a bittersweet moment..........now Christmas is arriving my grandparents have arrived and it was a sad moment, the tree is up the lights are lit all over the house......but theres something missing......its again a bittersweet moment......i went my whole life with no loss in my life, i never had to experience the enemy of death, and on November 16, 2011 i had to......its a feeling i wish upon no one and a feeling you never lose, its always with you......even when u think uve forgotten about it or moved on, the subtle things in life remind you of that person and the sink in your heart you felt the day they left this earth occurs once again...........R.I.P Abuela I love you and you will forever be in my heart..................
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Toxic.......
boy was I wrong........as the months went on and we spent more and more time together I started to see perhaps who he always was...he just hid it and told me what I wanted to hear.....his temper was out of control...he was way too "hood" for me.....he started speaking to me disrespectfully and I was no angel of course....with my crazy temper combined with his it was WWIII where ever we went and it was a constant battle everyday...we broke up every day and made up everyday...we fought hard with words....the things that came out of our mouths were disgusting and unforgiving....but somehow we always made it back to eachother...it was like poison that fueled our bodies and we couldn't live without it......I think we were just comfortable with eachother and didn't want to start over I mean think about who would want a loud bitchy girlfriend who demands the pants in the relationship and is a princess and who would want a broke uneducated dude with a temper that would have the cops at ur door every night???? Um no one!......and deep deep deep deep down inside we knew that and so we stayed....but this particular night something else happened something was lost....whatever it was holding us together was no longer there....I didn't secretly want him to stay and he didn't want to stay up all night fighting for our love....he wanted out and so did I...the problem was he had nowhere to go and as much as I didn't care for him anymore I didn't want him sleeping outside....so we're stuck under the same roof for a whole other day and we can't stand eachother......The worst things we've ever said to eachother have been said secrete feelings we've always had aired out....and if there's one thing in life I've learned is that once the words leave ur mouth there's no taking them back u will never get back what u said and that u have to live with the for rest of ur life........someone once said "nor the gun, knife, or acid can compare in damage like that of man's speech".....and its totally true......we drank too much and we were 2 people that just should not have been drinking because the tongue lashing was even worse with liquor thrown in the mix.....we were unhealthy for eachother.....we had reached the end of our ropes....nothing was going to get better it was only getting worse...maybe we were too much alike maybe the both of us were just too jaded to begin with...whatever it was it was clear that "Him" and I together were nothing but Toxic and this time it was really.... really... over.........They say anthing u ever want or love is usually never good for u.....like too much chocolate..............
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Blood Knows Blood
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Mom.............
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Nothing but God.......
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Friends.....Do They really exist?????
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Putting Back the Pieces of My Heart..............

Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Breaking The Silence on Molestation.......


To get help or report abuse, call theChildhelp National Child Abuse Hotlineat 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
Friday, January 21, 2011
A little blessing from God........
So i had another blog planned for tonight but i figured due to the occasion i should write this one.....It was always just me and my sister sarah. I was always the baby and i loved it and i did not plan on having anyone else come and take my place lol...so when i was 8 yrs my step dad and my mom split...and it hit my sis and i real hard because he had raised us, and at that time we were too young to understand why our dad wasnt in our life anymore..but thats a whole other blog in itself......so over the next couple of months my mom had become very paranoid about her stomach..my sister and i could no longer play with her or jump ontop of her...and my sister and i were confused but at the same time we didnt understand it either....So its 9:30pm on january 20th, i still remember like if it was yesterday...at that time we all lived with my grandmother and so my sister and i and my 2 cousins were laying down, because it was a school day...and all of sudden my mom is dressed with her coat and so r my grandparents...and they told us we were staying with our uncle and they will back soon...now somehow someway i dont know how my sister and i knew my mom was on her way to have baby, we didnt have a clue before that moment..cant explain it... we just knew....So the minute the front door closed we had our heads down praying for my mom and my sister prayed for a baby brother and i wanted a baby sister lol....so with our prayers into God we feel asleep...and my grandma woke us up about 7:30am and she had breakfast made and she was ironing our clothse for school and we all woke up throwing questions at her and she calmy stopped ironing and said "girls mommy had a baby last night and its a boy"...we started screaming! it was really crazy and my grandmother says ok calm down and get ready....we rushed to get to school and tell everyone about our new little baby that had arrived.....our teachers were just as surprised as we were because they wondered when was their mom pregnant? if they only knew we didnt know either! lol so my grandparents picked us up from school and took us the hospital to see our new baby brother....we arrived saw our mom and we had a million questions for her and she said shed explain later and go see the baby.....we rushed down to the nursery to see this little bundle of joy...he was soo cute and sooo quiet..he had the cutest little duck lips and we fell inlove with him right then and there....his name was Angel Christopher Gonzalez......a couple of days went by and it was time for our little prince to arrive...so my mom comes walking down the hall with this little person in the most adorable bear outfit and we had all of our neighbors in our house waiting his arrival....we ran down the hall to greet him and we were inseparable ever since then.....as our little angel grew up he spent a lot of time with my sister and i because my mom had to work a lot...he was like my son i took him everywhere with me.... i was 10 with a stroller and a 2 yr old and i felt like i had to protect him to the max he was my heart..he was my new reason for living and if nething ever happen to him i simply could not live....the three of us till this daty are the 3 closet siblings ive ever known...we have eachothers back like no 2morrow.....most 13 yr old boys are closed off and dont really tell adults anything....not my lil man...he tells my sister and i everything even if he knows im going to rip him a new one lol......so today January 21st 2011 he turned 13 and i cried because i thought back to that very moment of him arriving in his little bear outfit......He has been my rock through so many struggles in my life...when i felt like giving up on life his face was what would come into mind and i would think what it would do to him and who would be his body guard like me? i couldnt hurt him like that and i couldnt die and not be with im and miss out on his baseball games....basketball games...graduations...girlfriends....im so proud to be his sister even through the puberty lol the mood swings and the discovery of hair in certain places lol.....im his personal cheerleader always on the sideline smiling at my angel....you see we named him angel...and its because thats exactly what he was when he came into our lives...he dosent even know how he saved each and every one of our lives the minute he was born......but he did........Happy Birthday I love you Angel always and forever..................
CHERISH YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS THEY ARE YOUR BLOOD AND WILL BE THE ONES TO HAVE YOUR BACK WHEN OUR SO CALLED "FRIENDS" DONT...........
|
My lil bro when he was 4 years old |
My bro now at 13 yrs old=) |
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Ex-Cutter wasnt always an Ex....

http://www.seventeen.com/health/advice/a4533/cutting-resources/
http://www.sunrisertc.com/contact.php
Monday, January 10, 2011
" He hits me Because he Loves me".......
www.Women-In-Need.org or call
1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.
http://www.thehotline.org/
or contact your local authority.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Fat Girl.....
OK so since the beginning of time being fat has been like having leprosy i swear....I have always been the chunky girl you know....but i never really had issues through school i was pretty popular until i had to go to Catholic school in the 4th grade..my mom thought itd be a "better education for my sister and i"....so we go and im the odd new girl i went from being OD popular to OD nobody....so i had this teacher who didnt like me because i was fat...Ms. Fucking Solano...i tried everything for the woman to like me and she just wouldnt budge..so whatever i was the new fat girl that no one spoke to...i was wayyyy more developed than most 9 yrs olds i had breast already and i was going through some hormonal changes..i got my period at 9 and i hadnt quite discovered deodorant yet lol so needless to stay it was not a good start....but through the yr i try to make friends i had some really nice people approach me and talk to me and then 5th grade came...i had a teacher that finally liked me Mr. Crimens and things were starting to look up i had my lil circle of friends and i was branching out...still 2 yrs in a row had by and no student of the week...so 6th grade comes OMG what an effin nightmare i seriously had thoughts of bitch slapping her.....Bitch made my life a living hell she simple did not like me for whatever reason...she didnt like any of the fat kids meanwhile she was Morbidly Obese..her favorites were the skinny minis of the class...so i make it out of that year alive..barely...and im in 7th grade..my mom becomes class mom for the 1st time and she just so happens to work in a blinds store and donated free blinds to the entire preschool and then just like that the principal loved me...the teachers from yonkers including that bitch Ms. Solano, started liking me and my fav. teacher Mrs. O'neil loved me and finally i got student of the week people! i was so happy i went home and freakin cried that night....so 7th grade was pretty awesome i had a nice set of friends and 8th grade came around and it was a breeze for the most part...their were certain individuals that TRIED to make my life hell i even had the momz of one dude TRYING to make my life a living hell...but in the end i made it through that God Forsaken school alive! It was a bittersweet moment for myself and most of my friends...some of us had become so close we didnt know when we'd see eachother again...i say if i never spoke to ne1 from 7th or 8th grade again id still have the memory of our friendships and the laughs we all had...trying to remove myself from the fat girl image was hard and i thank God i never had someone like try to bully me cuz i wouldve fucked them up hands down lol but the looks and the whispers throughout the yrs get to u...asking ur skinny friend where she got those pants from and she says Victoria secret and u think to urself "yea i guess i aint gettin those" that def stays with you....i guess as you get older you get this i don tgive a shit attitude and you shrug it off...but no matter how insecure or how confident you may be those words FAT GIRL...will always pierce you like a sword......
Thursday, January 6, 2011
He said "Are you a Carpet Muncher"?
Any person who has actually had a life can you tell you they have had their share of drama....so let me share my bits of drama with you.....so freshman year of highschool i went to an all girls catholic school....many of my friends from my middle school were there so i was comfortable i had my bitchez with me so to speak....i must say freshman year of H.S was awesome i really did love it i had so much fun i made sooo many new friends aside from my old friends..i loved my teachers i mean me and my girls just had a lot of fun....but through all of that fun there was drama..there was the he said she said bullshit there was the you took or are talking to my man bullshit and there was the i heard you were you talking shit about me bullshit......there was the everyone was bisexual for a while bullshit.......and anyone reading this post who went to school with me knows that this always ended in the guidance counclers room lol...that didnt do shit it just removed the problem from the school to the streets...and let me tell you teenage girls can be sooo vicious i mean we were some mean bitches lol....making girls cry and not even caring...just judging judging judging...and who the hell were we? nobody.....so freshman year was over and i did really well academic wise and then the shock of my life...the changing point in my life.....my mom couldnt afford the tuition anymore...and it came down to take my lil bro out of school or me? and of course i knew my lil bro couldnt handle public school hes not a hard ass like me..so it was me that had to be removed....and where do i go? God forsaken Christopher Columbus oh wait im sorry it was a little school inside of there called pelham prep as if that made a difference:/ .....so its my first day of school i reeeeaallly dont want to be here but whatever my first class of the day is English im the shit in English so it was no biggy and i had this cute kid flirt with me the whole class lol then it was math with the dumbest teacher to have ever lived and i go and sit all the way in the back to not be bothered and of course he has to say lets welcome our new student Samantha....i was like really? so he starts asking me all sorts of questions about where i came from and that was all it took was me to say Saint Catharines and everyone knew that was the all girls school up the block and so this idiot kid,Kenneth, i'll never 4get, walks up to me and says so are a carpetmuncher? and i was like exuse me? and hes like u know you eat pussy...i was like get the fuck out of my face and he was like no answer my question and he puts his hand on my face and i took my notebook and smacked him with him and pushed him and i couldve really fucked him up but the teacher broke it up and i was sitting in the principal's office.....Great 1st day of public school huh?
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Reminiscing on the past....
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
The Day That Changed my Life......
So story of my life my biological father has been in prison since i was a baby. And my entire life has been knowing him behind a prison wall. When my sister and i turned 18 we took it upon ourselves to start going to visit him ourselves. I wasn't really sure for what though. i mean to have asthma attacks every time i had to leave him because id start crying so much i couldn't breath? yes this was my relationship with my father. When on November 12, 2010 my sister and i decided to go take a road trip damn near to Canada from the bronx, ny to see him. We rented a car..we packed food and clothes to stay the weekend in a motel i mean we had it all down-pack....and we got there and we had a wonderful 2 days with him. The time had come as always to part ways and i did it surprisingly not as emotional as my entire life...It was done my sister and i had accomplished a successful road trip with pictures and videos to last us a lifetime! I was driving first and i drove the 1st 4 hours before i got sleepy and we switched drivers at a gas station....you know when i think back on that moment i remember this really friendly girl at the register who thought we were cool for taking the road trip and she told us good luck and drive safely home...those words were never needed as much as i thought they were until about an hour later.....So my sister is driving... the music is blasted and i recline my seat back to take a snooze i called my mom to let her know we were 3 hrs away and she was happy and was cooking our favorite meal we said our good byes and i closed my eyes....now stupid me i had forgotten to put my seat belt on when we left the gas station, and my eyes are closed and my seat is reclined with no seat belt and just like that, i heard a whisper i knew it wasn't my sister and i didn't understand it at first and then there it was "Put your seatbelt on" i was confused and i thought i was crazy but just like that i put my seatbelt on and went back to sleep....my body started swerving and it immediately woke me up and there i wake up to what i thought was going to be the last time i wake up....we swerved back and forth and BOOM we hit a ditch head o and started tumbling 1...2...3..4...and then the silence only lasted a second before the screams of fear and agony came out of me and my sister....We were hanging upside down and the pain from the seatbelt cutting into our muscles was horrible my sister was held by both straps the one across her chest and the one across her lap however, since i had been reclined, the strap across my leg was the only thing holding me so my upper body twisted every which way and hit anything and everything it could....my face took 2 tremendous blows to the dashboard.......We released ourselves and i fell flat and couldnt move i thought i was paralyzed...my arm was twisted in a way it was suppose to twist my face was covered with so much blood i was unrecognizable and ribs bruised making it hard to breath....i remember holding my sisters hand when a man behind us who witnessed everything came running and he turns out to be a volunteer paramedic??? Coincidence i think not its called GOD.....so my sister crawls out of the car and im passed out...i had lost so much blood so quickly i just passed out my body shut down and the ambulance arrived and couldnt find a pulse...i remember being like in a far place u know where everything sounds like an echo and in the distance..that was what i felt like and then i opened my eyes to see this kind faced woman calling my name and telling me to stay with her that im going to be ok...but i just wanted my sister and i demanded to know where she was in all of the little i could speak my face was so banged up i couldnt even talk.....in the ambulance i went in and out of consciousness i dont remember a lot i remember the male paramedic telling me to stay with him and them having to suction the blood out of my throat because i was choking on it....as we arrived at the hospital my pressure began to drop and they rushed me in suddenly i had 2 doctors and 4 nurses working on me it was like a movie was being played infront of me or a soap opera i just couldnt believe it...was this really happening to me???? After everything and my parents arrived they wanted me closer to home so they decided to take me back to the bronx and i went to the ER there...i was x-rayed..given shots and then sent home...all i can do is heal now, thats what they told me, so i went home and i healed as best as i could taking it day by day...and im changed..God saved me he spared my sisters life and mine. When a realization like happens you are never the same...........
He Has Never Left me........
I have gone through soooo much in my short life span, sometimes it amazes me. But through it all i have had a tremendous faith in God. At times i steered away from him this is true, but he has always someway somehow let me know he is near and that he would never turn his back on me. For those who know me closely, you know i have dealt with depression for many years, i have fought through it and had great days and at times its overcome me and bought me down to my lowest. Up until a couple of years ago, depression was unheard of i mean what is it and where does it come from? when i was 12/13 there was no special kind of help for girls my age, we were just too young to have problems....Boy was society highly mistaken! First of all although i love my internet dearly, when AOL hit the world in the mid 1990's, it opened up the world to more crime than they couldve imagined. If pedophiles werent a problem before the net, they were about to be. Old men were posing as young boys for young innocent girls, and girls were starting to be killed,raped and kidnapped....it was crazy...and i was amongst it all.....Youd think after the first story posted of a 13yr old girl being killed by a man off the net that would stop me but it didnt...it did hit me tho i never knew this girl but i somehow felt connected with her i even cut her pic out of the newspaper and carried it for years, at the time i was 11....i could never forget her name Christina Long....i kept thinking that could have been me..talking to all of these men online telling them im 16 and i was 11, 12, 13....now and days girls bodies are maturing so much faster, so it wasnt hard to play the part. At that time Yahoo had chatrooms created by members and i guess it wasnt monitored because there were chat rooms that would specify "old man for youg girl" and at taht age we're not int othe boys our age because they just arent mature enough and here comes this older man that makes u feel special that makes u feel like its ok that ur 13 and have breast and have curves, and we fall into that and men know this....Christina Long was the first known internet related murder and it only got worse from there.......
The beggining.....
Hey guys! Ok so i decided to start a blog after watching the Julie/Julia movie..i know crazy right? lol My title was inspired by a book i read in H.S called "Go Ask Alice" its a diary of a teenage girl who gets wrapped up in a life of drugs and sex. The diary is not written by someone named Alice it actually has an anonymous author but is a true story. I was so inspired by this book it really changed my life and this girl reminded me so much of myself. So here it goes everyday just a little piece of me..all of my struggles, pain, happiness, accomplishments, failures, a little piece to add to the whole puzzle of who i am, and who i am is not that different from millions of girls my age and younger all around the world. I'm here to share my most insecure thoughts for you because many of them cant, i hope i can help teachers and parents to understand their teenagers better and friends to stand up and help their friends when their in trouble.....my mission is to change the world...but if i only touch 1 person with this blog, that would be my greatest accomplishment.....so stick around...are you ready for the ride???
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